I'm thinking a lot at the moment about things that I wish were finite. I wish I believed in destiny and had something to relax on - I worry that my life will not be wonderful but wouldn't it be nice if I could just trust that it will be what it will be and regardless what I do will not change the way it is fated to be.
But I don't believe that. What do I believe? I don't know, really.
I certainly believe in people, and that we have the ability to save the world, but I also don't believe that will happen. I don't believe in any god, or any higher power, or anything ethereal that loves us relentlessly whether we want it to or not. If there is a god, he fucking hates us.
I believe you have to create your own magic in the world, and that sparkle is in every moment if you can find it, that those who can are blessed, and that those who can't are the ones who are ultimately unhappy. I believe appreciation goes a long way, that forgiveness is so important but that it makes no difference to the person or event that wronged you. I believe in love and I believe that love, of any description, brings magic and makes the sparkle brighter. I love hard and fast and blindly and I throw caution into the wind, I believe that love truly can conquer all but that it can't do it alone.
There is so much that I haven't quite figured out yet, and even if I ever do I don't quite know what I'll do then. How do we know which decision to make, which choice, which path? I have no clue. All I know is that within the last five years my life has not changed in any important ways and that realisation has made me feel really unhappy. I crave adventure but I am as alone as I have ever been.
What do we do when we lose something we never thought we would lose? I'm facing that at the moment and it's strange. All these plans I had and I keep thinking about these things and then catching myself, reminding myself that it's not going to happen now.
Maybe I've been too harsh, too selfish. Maybe not.
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Everything's magic
I've basically been living in the cinema for the last few weeks, which has been strangely nice after having a few months without even going at all.
Wanted was a visually stunning film with an achingly cool concept, but what made it great also broke it in my daft opinion. The oh so hip shots of bullets bending in the air became so silly, though I actually liked the way that the love story between the two characters never really became a proper love story, but it featured a little too much for something that never really happened.
Hancock was probably my biggest surprise - I was expecting to be entertained to a reasonable level and really only went to the cinema that day because I had a bit of a craving for nachos. But I really liked it, and thought it was a novel slant to the booming "Ooh! I know! Let's make a film about a person with SUPER POWERS!" idea. I didn't really realise that Will Smith = BANK until the movie studios told me so, though. So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
Wall-E was predictably brilliant, with a first twenty minutes like I Am Legend, a middle hour a cross between The Matrix and The Tweenies and a final twenty minutes like, I don't know, every film ever. The love story development kind of pissed me off with its "Ooh, actually I would" quick turnaround when it suited the plot to have Wall-E get rescued, but then it was a kids movie and I didn't expect much to be complex except the rendering. I liked the Mac Vs PC aspect of Wall-E and E.V.E more than anything, but that's only because I'm a PC girl and Wall-E was the PC. If they mated (the sparks would be generated by the furious bumping of motherboards) would the babies be like an iMac with a virus or like a fax machine made of polished white aluminium with twinkly lights? Oh god, I actually am a nerd aren't I.
Kung Fu Panda might have been predictable as shit, and was far fetched even if you were to overlook the talking animals (the dragon warrior is a fat panda who mastered kung fu a two minute montage but never actually lost a pound? REALLY NOW?) but every single nuance in that film had forethought and purpose, which had thoroughly won me over by the end of it. I laughed out loud - yes, lol'd - repeatedly throughout and with good reason, the script was excellent and somehow Poe the panda didn't end up just being Voiced By Jack Black, I forgot it was even him most of the time.
Tonight, however, we went to see Baby Mama. It was a spur of the moment thing - after an afternoon of mooching around the shops (and buying some utterly, spastically cute white sandals) and a restaurant debate that resulted in us going Mexican and eating far, far too many quasedillas, we were too lethargic to do anything involving movement but were too entertained to go home.
It was that or The Dark Knight with the rest of Bristol. I don't like the rest of Bristol.
From the way that the lead actress repeatedly wore a hideous pair of brown shoes throughout and walked like she's either shit herself, or is excercising her kegal muscles by trying to hold a bollard inside herself, to the most predictable plot in the western universe, it was just a big mess.
Obviously, I'll be getting it on DVD.
It was perfectly watchable, but so bad that all I'll remember from tonight is driving home through country lanes, terrifying each other with stories of head on collisions and American-slasher-flick-style serial killers. Because that's what friends are for.
On that note, over the last few weeks my towers of strength have come from the most unexpected places. People who have always been there in the past have not seemed to care at all; people who promised to always be there in the future have apparently decided not to be.
I'm upset, but not with them. I find it hard to be angry with someone when they make the decision that's best for them. I need to focus more on the things that are great and positive in my world, and let the everything else either fall away or try again. And oh boy, there is so much that is positive in the world.
Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Wanted was a visually stunning film with an achingly cool concept, but what made it great also broke it in my daft opinion. The oh so hip shots of bullets bending in the air became so silly, though I actually liked the way that the love story between the two characters never really became a proper love story, but it featured a little too much for something that never really happened.
Hancock was probably my biggest surprise - I was expecting to be entertained to a reasonable level and really only went to the cinema that day because I had a bit of a craving for nachos. But I really liked it, and thought it was a novel slant to the booming "Ooh! I know! Let's make a film about a person with SUPER POWERS!" idea. I didn't really realise that Will Smith = BANK until the movie studios told me so, though. So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
Wall-E was predictably brilliant, with a first twenty minutes like I Am Legend, a middle hour a cross between The Matrix and The Tweenies and a final twenty minutes like, I don't know, every film ever. The love story development kind of pissed me off with its "Ooh, actually I would" quick turnaround when it suited the plot to have Wall-E get rescued, but then it was a kids movie and I didn't expect much to be complex except the rendering. I liked the Mac Vs PC aspect of Wall-E and E.V.E more than anything, but that's only because I'm a PC girl and Wall-E was the PC. If they mated (the sparks would be generated by the furious bumping of motherboards) would the babies be like an iMac with a virus or like a fax machine made of polished white aluminium with twinkly lights? Oh god, I actually am a nerd aren't I.
Kung Fu Panda might have been predictable as shit, and was far fetched even if you were to overlook the talking animals (the dragon warrior is a fat panda who mastered kung fu a two minute montage but never actually lost a pound? REALLY NOW?) but every single nuance in that film had forethought and purpose, which had thoroughly won me over by the end of it. I laughed out loud - yes, lol'd - repeatedly throughout and with good reason, the script was excellent and somehow Poe the panda didn't end up just being Voiced By Jack Black, I forgot it was even him most of the time.
Tonight, however, we went to see Baby Mama. It was a spur of the moment thing - after an afternoon of mooching around the shops (and buying some utterly, spastically cute white sandals) and a restaurant debate that resulted in us going Mexican and eating far, far too many quasedillas, we were too lethargic to do anything involving movement but were too entertained to go home.
It was that or The Dark Knight with the rest of Bristol. I don't like the rest of Bristol.
From the way that the lead actress repeatedly wore a hideous pair of brown shoes throughout and walked like she's either shit herself, or is excercising her kegal muscles by trying to hold a bollard inside herself, to the most predictable plot in the western universe, it was just a big mess.
Obviously, I'll be getting it on DVD.
It was perfectly watchable, but so bad that all I'll remember from tonight is driving home through country lanes, terrifying each other with stories of head on collisions and American-slasher-flick-style serial killers. Because that's what friends are for.
On that note, over the last few weeks my towers of strength have come from the most unexpected places. People who have always been there in the past have not seemed to care at all; people who promised to always be there in the future have apparently decided not to be.
I'm upset, but not with them. I find it hard to be angry with someone when they make the decision that's best for them. I need to focus more on the things that are great and positive in my world, and let the everything else either fall away or try again. And oh boy, there is so much that is positive in the world.
Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Boobzilla's blog the other day mentioned how people generally use their blogs as a place to complain endlessly. I realised I do that. I think it's because I'd rather complain endlessly to a screen than to a person, but generally end up doing both anyway. I'm quite good at complaining.
Am going to the Cats Protection League's cattery type placey thing tonight with my friend Myooz as both of us would quite like to adopt a kitty. Strange thing to do with a night out I suppose! I'm hoping to get home relatively early (I don't think a cattery is likely to operate an all night rave anyway) as I feel quite run down at the moment and think a couple of good nights of sleep might make me feel better about the fact that in ten months at my job I've had four days off, and doing 11 hour days of a stressful job for ten months takes its toll on you after a while.
I believe in fairytaleism. When things are great I almost burst with the wonder of the world, and when things stop being so glittery and exciting I tend to whinge endlessly like the most tediously boring asshole to ever exist. When it's great, it's never been better and when it's not great, it could barely be worse.
I'm an idiot, what can I say.
Am going to the Cats Protection League's cattery type placey thing tonight with my friend Myooz as both of us would quite like to adopt a kitty. Strange thing to do with a night out I suppose! I'm hoping to get home relatively early (I don't think a cattery is likely to operate an all night rave anyway) as I feel quite run down at the moment and think a couple of good nights of sleep might make me feel better about the fact that in ten months at my job I've had four days off, and doing 11 hour days of a stressful job for ten months takes its toll on you after a while.
I believe in fairytaleism. When things are great I almost burst with the wonder of the world, and when things stop being so glittery and exciting I tend to whinge endlessly like the most tediously boring asshole to ever exist. When it's great, it's never been better and when it's not great, it could barely be worse.
I'm an idiot, what can I say.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
In the new flat... it is an interesting adventure...!!
I am currently sat with one of the new flatmates and the otherones girlfriend... She is only 16 and sometimes it really shows.... she is now moaning about how many things are wrong with her life and to be quite frank, she is getting quite irritating quite quickly..... this might become quite tiresome very quickly....
Anyway, i am just waiting for my new bed to be delivered.... it is uber yummy but for £600(!) you would have to expect some kind of built in sexyness... Is it really that sad that i am super excited about my new bed, i have nearly wet myself at least 3 times in the last hour!!
Becuase I havent blogged for so long, i should really do a run down of what has been happening....
In work recently I have had the most humilliating experience ever in my life!!! I was outside smoking and when i went to walk in (ducking under the car park barrier) saw the hottest hottie in the building standing smoking by the barrier..... I knocked into the barrier through shock when dipping under it and the snotty PA said 'owwww, Mr Hottie (she did use his real name though) will kiss it better for you' at which point i turned into a complete rediculous mush and scuttled away round the corner muttering 'fuck, oh my god, fuck, fuck, fuck....'. He saw this and I am now 100% sure that he thinks that i am severely retarded.....!!!!
Anyway, the daily trials continue.... how much more can i handle....???
:)
I am currently sat with one of the new flatmates and the otherones girlfriend... She is only 16 and sometimes it really shows.... she is now moaning about how many things are wrong with her life and to be quite frank, she is getting quite irritating quite quickly..... this might become quite tiresome very quickly....
Anyway, i am just waiting for my new bed to be delivered.... it is uber yummy but for £600(!) you would have to expect some kind of built in sexyness... Is it really that sad that i am super excited about my new bed, i have nearly wet myself at least 3 times in the last hour!!
Becuase I havent blogged for so long, i should really do a run down of what has been happening....
In work recently I have had the most humilliating experience ever in my life!!! I was outside smoking and when i went to walk in (ducking under the car park barrier) saw the hottest hottie in the building standing smoking by the barrier..... I knocked into the barrier through shock when dipping under it and the snotty PA said 'owwww, Mr Hottie (she did use his real name though) will kiss it better for you' at which point i turned into a complete rediculous mush and scuttled away round the corner muttering 'fuck, oh my god, fuck, fuck, fuck....'. He saw this and I am now 100% sure that he thinks that i am severely retarded.....!!!!
Anyway, the daily trials continue.... how much more can i handle....???
:)
Friday, 18 July 2008
Earlier this week everyone in the office received an email from the facilities management company who look after the office. I'll paraphrase, but the italic is exact quote:
"People who cycle to work like to use the showers in the morning before work begins, however they have been running into problems. It seems that people use the shower rooms for their sit down toilet adventures in the mornings. Could we please request that you do this in the normal toilets and leave the shower rooms to be used as such".
Yes, sit down toilet adventures.
All week there has been a procession of amusing post it notes appearing on the door of the shower room, as well as on the normal toilets. My favourite was the one that appeared there seemingly minutes after the email went round:
THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!
Working in a big office means that office humour runs rampant and really does brighten up the day. I'm almost ashamed, but it is quite funny.
Yesterday I wore a new tank top to work. It has a black background with big hearts all over it, and it's a bit stripy. It's really nice, shut up. Anyway, all day I was mocked so viciously for wearing knitwear that looks like a grandma did it then gave it to a CLIC charity shop. I got home and whined to mum about my colleagues mean-ness. "Mum" I said, heartbroken, "how could they be so mean over such a thoroughly adorable tank top?!". "Well" she replied, "it's disgusting".
"People who cycle to work like to use the showers in the morning before work begins, however they have been running into problems. It seems that people use the shower rooms for their sit down toilet adventures in the mornings. Could we please request that you do this in the normal toilets and leave the shower rooms to be used as such".
Yes, sit down toilet adventures.
All week there has been a procession of amusing post it notes appearing on the door of the shower room, as well as on the normal toilets. My favourite was the one that appeared there seemingly minutes after the email went round:
THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!
Working in a big office means that office humour runs rampant and really does brighten up the day. I'm almost ashamed, but it is quite funny.
Yesterday I wore a new tank top to work. It has a black background with big hearts all over it, and it's a bit stripy. It's really nice, shut up. Anyway, all day I was mocked so viciously for wearing knitwear that looks like a grandma did it then gave it to a CLIC charity shop. I got home and whined to mum about my colleagues mean-ness. "Mum" I said, heartbroken, "how could they be so mean over such a thoroughly adorable tank top?!". "Well" she replied, "it's disgusting".
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
I am the worlds worst procrastinator. Even stuff I actually want to do I somehow find a way to not do it because I've been distracted by some pointless shit. When I reach my death bed, I will look back on all the pointless shit I have done and have to call it my life.
Here's an example of my utter ridiculousness. I got paid a bonus recently, it wasn't much but it was four figures (just!) and that'll cover cutting down the overdraft a bit, buy me a cheapish new digital camera and sort out some wardrobe malfunctions.
So, there are a small number of shops that I prefer, and the evilpixie will probably recoil in horror here. I like next.co.uk for jeans and occasional tops, and work trousers too as I never wear work skirts or suit jackets as they make me feel a bit too much like a corporate whore, particularly as I act like one all day. (Today I had to forecast net incremental earned revenue figures for Q2. I don't even know what that means. I guessed them then cut about 20% off to better my chances, and will just take the tutting when I'm totally fucked at the end of Q2). Anyway. I like dorothyperkins.com for tops, and shoes actually. Shoes also take me to faith.co.uk and office.co.uk. I regularly browse these sites when I am poor and think of all the things I would like to buy, as I am a dreamy kind of idiot. I also do this with Ikea websites. Stop laughing at me!
So, I have the available funds. In fact, they're more than available, they're designated for the purpose of buying some new stuff. Brilliant!
Instead of actually buying this shit, I have come home from work and:
I need an outfit for Saturday night. I must look better than my childhood enemy when we go to the same birthday party. We've always been similarly hideously fat, but she's a sad act who has worked in a shop since she was 16 and recently had the baby of a man who is currently in prison for ABH but even when he was allowed out without an electronic tag, he was so ashamed of sleeping with her she has never met his friends. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby anymore, which is sad even if he is a total loser, but his loserism does make me laugh.
I've got better tits anyway. And mine don't leak.
Here's an example of my utter ridiculousness. I got paid a bonus recently, it wasn't much but it was four figures (just!) and that'll cover cutting down the overdraft a bit, buy me a cheapish new digital camera and sort out some wardrobe malfunctions.
So, there are a small number of shops that I prefer, and the evilpixie will probably recoil in horror here. I like next.co.uk for jeans and occasional tops, and work trousers too as I never wear work skirts or suit jackets as they make me feel a bit too much like a corporate whore, particularly as I act like one all day. (Today I had to forecast net incremental earned revenue figures for Q2. I don't even know what that means. I guessed them then cut about 20% off to better my chances, and will just take the tutting when I'm totally fucked at the end of Q2). Anyway. I like dorothyperkins.com for tops, and shoes actually. Shoes also take me to faith.co.uk and office.co.uk. I regularly browse these sites when I am poor and think of all the things I would like to buy, as I am a dreamy kind of idiot. I also do this with Ikea websites. Stop laughing at me!
So, I have the available funds. In fact, they're more than available, they're designated for the purpose of buying some new stuff. Brilliant!
Instead of actually buying this shit, I have come home from work and:
- Checked my emails. Five times.
- Gone on second life, even though I am not djing tonight.
- Literally sat here and refreshed my facebook to see if anything got updated.
- Checked my emails another five times.
I need an outfit for Saturday night. I must look better than my childhood enemy when we go to the same birthday party. We've always been similarly hideously fat, but she's a sad act who has worked in a shop since she was 16 and recently had the baby of a man who is currently in prison for ABH but even when he was allowed out without an electronic tag, he was so ashamed of sleeping with her she has never met his friends. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby anymore, which is sad even if he is a total loser, but his loserism does make me laugh.
I've got better tits anyway. And mine don't leak.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Realitygay suggested listing 4 songs that mean something to me, and that's quite a nice idea frankly as we all know how I love my shit music. I can't promise they're all going to be life defining moments of great realisation and wisdom but they'll mean something, anything at all, and that'll mean I can do lots of these posts.
M83 - Teen Angst
I listed it in an earlier entry but this is one of those songs that, at the right moment in time, can make everything feel a bajillion times less stressful. This is something terribly important to have - an excuse to stop worrying. I have quite a soft spot for shoegazing/chilled electro.
Coldplay - The Scientist
The first time I ever met Realitygay he forced me to buy AROBTTH and that night we sat and listened to it repeatedly while actually having conversations that didn't involve MSN. Don't tell him, but Realitygay is a bit great.
Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen
Yeah don't laugh. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. This song contains things that we could all do with remembering and actually cheers me up when I am feeling neurotic/self concious/less than brilliant, which is most of the time I am awake really.
Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
The most perfect song to ever exist.
M83 - Teen Angst
I listed it in an earlier entry but this is one of those songs that, at the right moment in time, can make everything feel a bajillion times less stressful. This is something terribly important to have - an excuse to stop worrying. I have quite a soft spot for shoegazing/chilled electro.
Coldplay - The Scientist
The first time I ever met Realitygay he forced me to buy AROBTTH and that night we sat and listened to it repeatedly while actually having conversations that didn't involve MSN. Don't tell him, but Realitygay is a bit great.
Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen
Yeah don't laugh. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. This song contains things that we could all do with remembering and actually cheers me up when I am feeling neurotic/self concious/less than brilliant, which is most of the time I am awake really.
Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
The most perfect song to ever exist.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Scene 1, Act 1
Katey and Nicola are sitting on Katey's bed doing the SparkLife Wench Test. Nicola is on the question "How Many People Have You Slept With?"
Nicola: Ummmmm
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Errrrrrr *scratches head, looks pained*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: This is only hard because of my bad memory
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Ummmmm errrrrr *scratching head, counting on fingers, thinking really really hard face*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: I'm up to when I moved to Bristol
Katey and Nicola are sitting on Katey's bed doing the SparkLife Wench Test. Nicola is on the question "How Many People Have You Slept With?"
Nicola: Ummmmm
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Errrrrrr *scratches head, looks pained*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: This is only hard because of my bad memory
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Ummmmm errrrrr *scratching head, counting on fingers, thinking really really hard face*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: I'm up to when I moved to Bristol
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