Ok, flat hunting is completely over for the min hopefully!!

We have found somewhere lovely and all going to plan, the credit checks etc will go perfectly... fingers crossed...

Ian,
I will keep you advice in mind as a last resort... your comment made me smile though, which is a huge achievment! Thank you xx

I would like to hibernate from the world until we move but i dont think that is entirely possable! i will try though.

The now ex is being very well behaved though which is pleasant but i wasnt expecting it. I thought he would put up a huge fight, but no....

Hello, world.

The last week has been eventful in a nothingy sort of way.

I have had the lovely Miss Nicola staying with me which has been really quite nice and we seem to put up with each other remarkably well considering we are up each other's arse near constantly. The only real change in my life to be honest is the amount of weed I am smoking, which has gone from absolutely none to quite a considerable sum within about a month.

Nicola's life is funner than mine at the minute. She gets booty calls, I get guys who want to get to know me (WITHOUT ACTUALLY LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY!) I give up. I'm marrying the Hippie. Hippie needs a new nickname, I don't feel like Hippie is really very fair. Henceforth she will be Kittentits.

Work, oh work, why do you plague me with your incessant bullshit and occasional opportunity to escape the building. I have absolutely lost all desire to be here. Bye bye, desire. A bunch of people went to Vegas last week, they're all back today so I'm entertaining myself by finding out gossip. So far the best thing I've heard is that someone I don't know on the other side of our floor got so drunk he passed out in the toilets and shit himself, and had to have the door broken down by security who then frogmarched him to his room, still covered in the bowel explosion he had not quite been quick enough to fire down a toilet.

Bless.

Befuddled is back from holiday, I have the strange urge to see him, I hope he can make it down for the flatwarming. Oh yes! Flatwarming!

http://www.andrewsonline.co.uk/renting-letting/property-details.aspx?ID=83018
Nicola and I move into that flat in about two weeks, ish. We were going to flip a coin for the rooms but I think Nic has decided she wants the en suite, haha. I'm excited about moving in, though utterly sad to be leaving home again. I don't want anyone to think I'm a mummy's girl, I fall into the role of one pretty quickly when I live at home but I function a lot better when I don't live at home. I just get absolutely terrified that she will be lonely if I don't live there. It's not even so much about the money, it is just the fear of her being lonely. My relationship with my mother is a strange one complicated by a bizarre family and a more bizarre family history. More than anything in the world I want for her to be ok. Me fucking off and leaving her isn't exactly looking after her. See, this is why I'm actually going to save money by moving out - the rent might be extortionate but I do give Mum a ridiculous amount for living there. And when I think about it selfishly, the point of me moving home was so that I could live cheap for a while and save some cash, but also give mum a monetary boost.

But what has this accomplished? I give mum so much money I can't afford to save anything, and mum has got it into her head that she can live without working. This isn't really healthy for either of us.

Anyway. Here are a list of things that I want, and do not give a shit how realistic this list is.

1. A man who knows what he wants (preferably me) and is capable of occasionally indulging in a two way conversation with me. I know, I know - pipe dream.

2. To be skinny. Actually I don't even want to be skinny, I always want to be reasonably chubby, I just want to not be this chubby anymore.

3. A job I enjoy doing that pays me lots and that I can throw myself into and become one of those sad workaholics, as I think I'd enjoy being one of those if only my job wasn't such total poo.

4. A really big shoe collection, and the loss of all nerves in my feet.

a blog about maddie

Maddie was a girl with a certain Essex charm
She once asked me the time and then bit off my arm
I do alright with just a stump, I'm lucky they say
But that is how I met her that fateful rainy day

Once she had spat out my limb she asked me how I was
I explained about the pain and that she was the cause
And she did apologise which I thought was rather nice
As I tried to stealthily jam the arm into a bucket of ice

I thought of the things that I would never do again
Like clapping, and my mexican wave won't win me any friends
But now I have a Maddie and she doesn't care that I'm a cripple
I will always be here when she wants to flash her nipples

When we realised men were idiots we decided to wed
As all the men we could have dated were sadly fairly dead
We killed them and we weed on them, there may have been some poo
But it will be worth all of the death when we say I do

So here I am, a stumpy twat, my bride calls me Bravetart
But she is the greatest apparently so I give her my heart
She is great and strips a lot and she makes me laugh
And together we will urinate on all who cross our path

Ok, so I moved out of my home this weekend. That was a bit of a big one.

Not kinda sure what the hell I am doing though.... Dont want to get too in depth because I'm just not sure about how to make sense of it all.... and if I cant make sense of it, how are you supposed to?

I feel very mixed up at the moment. I'm desperately trying to find somewhere to live but the odds seem to be stacked up against me... All the flats in my budget are either super tiny or just hideous! But of course, I just feel totally in the way at Kateys mums and its just all so depressing! Its even depressing enough to make you want to move back in with the husband that you left!

I feel really stange about quite a few things, I'm just not sure how to react. I kinda miss wearing my wedding and engagement rings, I havent worn them for about a month now but still I have suddenly notices that I miss them (I keep them in my pocket sometimes just so that I can fiddle with them... sad, I know). I was going to watch something last night, Heros (this is something that me and Lee would always watch together...) and I felt that I was cheating, going behind his back, like it was wrong for me to watch it with someone else. I keep going to get on the same bus that I would usually get, only it goes in a completely different direction to where I need to go. Force of habit I guess.

The main thing that is really bothering me..... I think I might miss Lee. I'm not sure if this is just because I have been with him for so long that it seems odd for him not to be around or do I generally miss HIM!?! Or do I just miss the life that I had rather than Lee?!? Im so emotionally twisted and confused!

I am determined to leave this for at least another 3 weeks. That way I will know quite certainly because if it is just the life or a routine, I will have a different life and different routine and the feeling of missing something (im sure) will fade and if it doesnt then its probably just that I do actually miss Lee.

When I left Lee he said that despite how hurt he was, he would still like to try... Brave man! I compromised with him that in a couple of months we could see where we stood and maybe start dating again... but I did make it 100% clear that this might not happen, that I might be in a completely different place in 2-3 months and wont want to go back so he shouldnt get his hopes up... so technically, the door is still ajar.... I'm just so muddled!

Flat hunting is uber depressing! I just wish it was over. I'm really hoping that i am going to turn a proverbial corner in my life and things are going to start picking up super soon.... I live in hope!

I will try to keep you updated...

"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"

I had one of the best nights I've had in oh so long last Friday night.

It started out a little bit crappy - I was waiting forever for various trains, I was tired before I'd even begun thanks to a bit of a harsh workday. Sometimes you understand things to be true without even needing them to happen, and I knew in my heart that I would go to bed by 2am, shattered and lame.

Actually getting there involved three trains, a bus and a 45 minute walk. I was befriended by randoms at almost every step and was even feeling cheerful when I finally staggered to the top of the hill and the lovely essexies were not near the stones. I think I was a bit shouty with them though. (Sorry Essexies).

It was (christ, another person to nickname. Shit it) Len's (geddit? Len's... lens... har har har...oh leave me alone!) birthday the next day and thus the reason for the gathering at Stonehenge. Hippie and Boobzilla were also there, along with their friend Poncho, who had a really quite fabulous poncho. We were soon befriended by people who do not need nicknaming as their names were so fucking random. They were from the Forest of Dean, you know. *cries* We were also joined by Len's friend Ginger and her boyfriend Grumpy, plus his friends Dopey and Happy. Happy was a bit fit.

It rained all night. It was so soggy. Like, soggy beyond soggy. What was hilarious was that for the whole night, the bags, booze and drugs occupied prime dryness position in the middle of the tarpaulin, however our arses were generally hanging over the edge onto the grass. A bit dubious on the priorities front, however judging from how wet our stuff actually got, perhaps it wouldn't have made any difference at all.

I made a decision after considering both sides of the shall I/shan't I spectrum, and though I didn't really feel much from this decision, was glad I made it and am looking forward to making it again at some point in the future, now that the initial step has been taken. How very cryptic. Fuck it, I took an E and survived, was only mildly affected due to weakness of pills and would like to experience actual E highness at some point, but am in no rush and will not be developing a smack problem any time soon. It'd be in a similar environment, so might even be Solstice next year ha.

Happy was a nice man and I had developed a teensy crush on him by the end of the evening, even if there was mass drama with Ginger and Grumpy (bless 'em). Breakups and hookups, eh. The hookup was Len's friend Dylan and (oh crap, what's his fucking nickname...) Kittentits. Something about tits anyway.

We eventually slept a little bit but I woke up feeling worse for it, and during a wibbly drive back that involved a hilarious stop in a Little Chef where we were stared at for our facial daubings and Len said the funniest thing I've heard in yonks - "This car needs to be hosed down like a n*****r in the 50s" - we eventually appeared at home and slept like the dead.

Happy birthday, Len. Same time next year?

One awesome night and I feel fixed. How strange. Hope this lasts!

I love my Nicla <3

I have never smelled so bad in my life hahaha

Oh shit!!! Oh shit indeed!

I really wish there wasn't so much going on at the moment.

I want to be there for my Katey to support her through this difficult time... I completely understand that this is difficult for her right now and things in work are only making things harder. I wish that there was some way I could make the entire world vanish so that I can float through space with my Katey, no one could bother us and we would make sense of everything.

There is absolutely no excuse for my neglect, I need to be stronger and a bit less selfish.... Easy to say but maybe a little more difficult to action.

I really wish the last 2 years had never happened... I wonder if I could google 'how to build a time machine' and if it would actually work..... that would make things 1,000,000 times easier...

I'm trying not to avoid the situation at home, its difficult though because its so horrible. Sometimes I can just see Lees heart breaking and I hate that I have done all of that.

Its supposed to be our anniversary weekend, we were going to do lots of lovely stuff but now I just cant face it. Pretty much everything has been cancelled. He still sent flowers to work for me though. They made me cry and now am complete wreck and cant actually concentrate on any work (I have enough problems with this as it is, but now it seems impossible!).

I just want to hide under the bed and chain 'smoke' but will be able to do this quite comfortable at my mothers house. Not sure that I can cope with the motherly lecture that I will get though but once its over, its over.

Don't feel like I'm dealing with all of this very well any more, but do feel like I'm only just hanging on a thread to my sanity/logic....

Fuck it! I'm just going to hide in a cave!! Don't tell anyone, I really don't want to be found.....

I love you Katey and I'm so sorry for being such a let down.... I don't know how I could possibly make it up to you... I wish there was a way of shutting everything out so that I could concentrate on you....

xxxxx

Eek, Nicola can't come to smokefest/hippie funtimes anymore. I totally understand why though but I'm having such a big freakout.

After a few weeks ago I don't function particularly well with crowds of people I don't know so tonight was going to be a bit of a big step for me, I guess that was part of the reason why I was so excited. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there, find (I can't remember his nickname so will make one up) The Boobinator and meet up with everyone, but now I feel all scared and upset about it.

I know, when I'm on my deathbed, I'll remember the happy funtimes in my life and not the crappy bits inbetween but the crappy bits really are so crappy aren't they.

Cunty McCuntface's manager as moved him so that he is basically next to me, with an aisle in between us, in full view of each other. His manager also knows what he did. What the fuck is she thinking. I watched him moving his stuff this morning feeling so sick and sad.

Ok, inspiration..?

I have been in my new job as HR Administrator for a couple of weeks now and how noticed something quite perculiar... this department is quite competitive, like who can take the shortest lunch (if any at all) or the latest lunch and one of the biggest things is that there is a competition for who can stay the latest. This is all unwritten and there isnt even a prize. I hope, that as the newest recruit, they dont expect me to fall in line with these silly games...! Dont get me wrong, HR are all lovely girlies... but what a culture shock. Not even sure why they are like that though, but it is almost like they have to set examples to the rest of the company as far as job dedication goes.... not that anyone ever really notices!!

I feel quite rubbish right now. Not quite sure why but I think my body is literally falling apart.... I ache all over and have random pain... think i might just start chucking painkillers down my neck but then how will I know if the pain get worse/better, and what if it is something serious....?? Oh bugger... maybe i should see a doctor. Not the most pleasant of ideas...

:(

It is Sunday night and rather predictably I am sleepless. Vista SP1 has completely raped my computer of all use except blogger and porn, and porn is boring once you've actually had sex and know what it's like, something which happened for me on December 27th 2001 at about 9.10pm (I looked at the clock, alright?)

This evening has been consumed by plots and plans for a Friday night acting like a hippie celebrating something that happens every single day. My tone may be mocking, but part of my general philosophy on life is that we should do that anyway. Life may just be something that happens while you're making plans, and in 10 years today will be pretty insignificant, but I'd like to think that I enjoyed it.

I do hope Nic can come and join the festivities, as she is pretty great and I have had a nice stoner weekend with her. I have discovered that my fond memories of being stoned weren't rose tinted because I actually quite enjoy it, and that I act like a bit of a penis when stoned. Also when not stoned. But I tend to say the things I usually just think, and it reveals the fact that I am absolutely, pants-wettingly neurotic.

I am so desperately skint I can't even tell you, this week is going to be amusingly hard up! Skipping lunch might actually do some good for the weight I had lost recently (not much, I grant you, but enough to rediscover hipbones I thought I had lost) - however, this whole losing weight thing is a wagon I have fallen off spectacularly thanks to aforementioned stonerism and the munchies that followed. I woke up, cold, with a corner of duvet hanging out of my mouth. My bed only served to keep me lifted above the crisp packets and takeaway boxes. I don't think I so much fell off the diet wagon as the boards beneath me buckled and I crashed weightily onto the tracks.

I'm hungry.

14 ways you know you've been single too long

1. The idea of someone else sharing your bed actually freaks you out slightly, and you know you would hold things like them moving in their sleep or breathing loudly against them and be angry with them for it the morning after.
2. You stop missing sex. It'd be nice, you suppose, but there's really good TV on and the prospect of the bikini trim you'd have to approach now really doesn't fill you with joy - in fact, at this point it would involve hiring a hedge trimmer and protective goggles.
3. You're not even looking for a new partner. You meet people and think "oh what a nice person" and not "phwoooaaaargh" and, if you discover they do like you, you remember point 1 and politely decline, while inside screaming "OH DEAR GOD NO" and wanting desperately to return home to your big, empty bed.
4. Your friend meets someone new and is in the happy, romantic, fuckbunny stage and, although happy for them, you are secretly smug at getting to return home to your big, empty bed.
5. Your friendships are suddenly so much stronger and the people in your world receive a decidedly larger amount of attention - they are aware of why and do not hold this against you.
6. You get a completely massive crush on someone utterly unattainable as a safety net to securing your singledom for a while longer. This is, after all, an excuse not to date Mr Nice Person You Just Met - they are just not Mr Amazing But Never Going To Happen.
7. From time to time you become acutely aware of exactly what would make your life better - a fuck buddy. But you refrain, just in case they want a relationship. Ew.
8. If anyone had x-ray vision, they'd see you are wearing the most mismatched underwear invented. It's like you've almost done it on purpose as a rebellion against all those people who are not going to see it. "Yeah!" you inwardly cry, "I'm wearing a leopard print bra and Little Miss Sunshine pants and you can't tell!" In fact...
9. Two words. Comfy. Pants.
10. You stop buying girly magazines like Cosmo because you don't care what 1000 men think makes you "dynamite" in bed and quite frankly, 10 reasons why he will never love you more than his mother is just another bloody good reason to not be with anyone. In fact, even seeing drivvel like this on the front cover is enough to make you not buy it.
11. Your eyerolling at romantic comedies is enough to cause blindness.
12. Love songs, while mildly sickening, are relegated to the "fairly pleasant" playlist on your iPod - which was renamed from I Love My Snookums after the messy breakup when you couldn't quite bear to lose what you had finetuned so perfectly. The playlist, I mean.
13. Suddenly, you're allowed male friends again!
14. You write lists. Like this.

Replace "you" with "I" on all of those, please!

I'm accepting fuckbuddy applications but only from Fittie or something on a shelf in Ann Summers.

I'm trying out wearing heels again today, as I have been a bit too comfortable in my nice shiny flats lately. So far I have only been sitting at my desk and my feet hurt already. I am determined to wear heels more, damnit! I used to be such a.. a.. a Carrie!

I have just about got over the pants party that was Fittie showing me moderate flirtatious attention for five seconds. OK I'm lying I will never get over it.

This Friday I am going to try getting drunk again and see how it goes. Bit scary really.

Oh and at work, my business manager is chasing me for the business case to get my contract... that is very good news and terribly exciting! It's a bit shocking that it has taken this long but whatevs. I quite like getting paid weekly and going back to the monthly dross without the regular few hundred quid cash injection will be a bit annoying. Still, I do get my spanking lovely bonus at the end of this month so that'll help me through.

Today is a mediocre hair day. We have "networking" drinks tonight with one of our "business partners" (jesus, all this corporate bumfuckery is hideous) which our team are going to turn into a bar-propping shotathon. In our meeting this morning, someone did say they were going to see "how much Kate could drink in an hour" - methinks I shall surprise them by managing to put away a whopping two halves of coke.

Fittie hit on me today.

I think my pants burst.

Dear Katey,

I love you will every atom of every particle of me.....

Thats all i need to say...

xXxXxXx

Dear Nicola,

I don't know what I'd do without you right now. In all the fucked up chaos that surrounds us both, at least we have each other. Please get me stoned and talk about retard fetishes more often, it helped. It didn't help as much as having a you in the world, though.

No matter what happens to you, no matter how little you understand of other people or yourself, no matter what decisions you make or roads you take, I'll be right behind you when you need support, right next to you when you feel lonely and right in front of you when you need protecting.

You're pretty great and I love you.

Dear Fittie,

If you only knew how much your existence makes my world better. You'd probably get a restraining order. I'm not a psycho. I don't think so, anyway.

Dear Nicola's Husband,

I'm not a bad person. I'm just trying to hold my best friend's hand. But I understand that you need someone to blame and I'd rather it be me than her. She's not a bad person either.

Dear Katey,

You will be ok.

The lives and trials of Princess Katey and Nicla...

Well, its not exactly working out to plan, is it?? Thats ok though, I truely believe in a bigger picture. Not sure what that picture is but I can feel it. Things will be bad and times will be super hard but it will pass... Sounds like a complete cop-out.

I dont know what it is but I know that we are both stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we will make it through all the shit... together...

I will always be there for you beautiful Princess Katey.... my feelings for you can not be articulated very well, but you are super amazing and I could not dream up a friend a fraction of the brilliance that you are....

Anyway, my complete fuck-headed-ness!! Im hoping that writing it all down will some how help... please dont judge...

Where to start.... Im not very happy right now. Everything seems to have taken a dive for the shitter! Except, of course, my relationship with Princess Katey which thankfully has flurished amungst the crap (this has been my saving grace, without this im sure I would have just gone completely mental!).

I am married to a man who im not sure I want to be. Im in a job that im not sure if I even want. I dont really feel like I know who I am right now, or what I want. Whos life am I leading??

Naturally, these are only questions that I can answer... which sucks because I dont know how to do that....

I feel so out of control. And I feel that because I dont know any of the answers im messing everyone around, especially my husband.

We will be having a week apart and will then decide how much longer that is going to be for....

I feel like I am constantly moaning about him. He works too hard, he puts me down in publicor he will not show any public displays of affection in public, he doesnt like me spending too much time out with friends, he doesnt seem to care about his health or future so why should I invest in ours? He isnt very suportive, He can be emotionally ignorant, He can be the most selfish person on the planet (but I can be too, so we will strike that from the record...). I feel like im changing and I dont know how or why. Everything in my life feels completely different (maybe he is right when he says it is all me!!!), I just dont know how to react to any of it anymore, even if I like it... I know that my husband doesnt. How could he, its potentially threatening his marriage.

This is where my indecision comes in. If its all about how I have changed, then whats to say that I might not change back? Its a huge decision to make, now im 85% certain that things are going to have to change permanently but its the other 15%... I think I owe this 15% to my husbands sadness/anger/frustration/heartbreak/all the above.... even though I know that my feeling for him are changing (althogh im not sure how they are changing) I still care. I dont want him to hurt. And I really dont want to be the person to create such hurt. But it seems unavoidable.

I used to have a picture of our future in my head. It was lovely, had all the usual family, lovely home, loving husband, wonderful career, etc etc. I dont know when this happened but it all started to fade piece by piece. First it was the children, then the career and the home. Im not sure when the Loving bit faded, I didnt feel it leave.

All I feel now is empty and selfish.

I dont know if any of that makes any sense....

I dont really know if I should publish this post but hey...

Im sure I will edit it at a later date.......

Oh god this sucks so much.

I can't even talk to people about this. This is such bullshit. What is wrong with me? What the fuck is actually fucking wrong with me? Why do I whinge about the most ridiculous stuff all the time - ooh my feet hurt, ooh my job sucks, 00h I'm too hot, ooh I'm too cold - and when something is actually wrong - when it is really truly totally wrong, so wrong I cannot get my head around it... then nothing.

Nicola, thank you so much for being there for me, for listening to me. You worry that I don't talk about my problems when they're real problems, and you're quite right I don't. But I open up when I have the words, I promise.

I don't want to tell people because I don't understand. I don't know why I reacted how I did, I don't know why there was some weird delayed reaction.

I think I'm going to phone the doctor and see if she can recommend a therapist. I've always been keen to avoid them but I've always been quite good at figuring out my own head. I fail this time. I really fail.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

I love drunk people!

To: Kate
From: ExC
Subject: ahsf;d

kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how r u? iv been out drinkin and havon fun 4 the 1st time in ages yayayaya and i think its about high time i said your great ur like the only person i got on with at bt ur funny an awsome and y didnt u work in birmingham cuz then i wouldnt have left the bloody place cuz id have had amazing kate to cheere me up lol ur ace maybe i shpuld cum to bristol an c u even tho i hate bristol but 4 u il cum up and we can meet girls and laff at them lol

Aww I wish people were that adorable when they were sober!

Anyway, on Friday night Nicola went out and we both did bad things (like Sambuca, by the gallon) and hung out with randoms (yay!) and oh my.