I'm thinking a lot at the moment about things that I wish were finite. I wish I believed in destiny and had something to relax on - I worry that my life will not be wonderful but wouldn't it be nice if I could just trust that it will be what it will be and regardless what I do will not change the way it is fated to be.
But I don't believe that. What do I believe? I don't know, really.
I certainly believe in people, and that we have the ability to save the world, but I also don't believe that will happen. I don't believe in any god, or any higher power, or anything ethereal that loves us relentlessly whether we want it to or not. If there is a god, he fucking hates us.
I believe you have to create your own magic in the world, and that sparkle is in every moment if you can find it, that those who can are blessed, and that those who can't are the ones who are ultimately unhappy. I believe appreciation goes a long way, that forgiveness is so important but that it makes no difference to the person or event that wronged you. I believe in love and I believe that love, of any description, brings magic and makes the sparkle brighter. I love hard and fast and blindly and I throw caution into the wind, I believe that love truly can conquer all but that it can't do it alone.
There is so much that I haven't quite figured out yet, and even if I ever do I don't quite know what I'll do then. How do we know which decision to make, which choice, which path? I have no clue. All I know is that within the last five years my life has not changed in any important ways and that realisation has made me feel really unhappy. I crave adventure but I am as alone as I have ever been.
What do we do when we lose something we never thought we would lose? I'm facing that at the moment and it's strange. All these plans I had and I keep thinking about these things and then catching myself, reminding myself that it's not going to happen now.
Maybe I've been too harsh, too selfish. Maybe not.
4 comments:
don't be sorry, this ice cream won't keep. If that's your way of telling us i understand, i'm terrible for making people read things instead of talking. I can see what i can do about coming down on the megabus or something, i really don't know and i can't promise coz i've never got any fucking money and can't even see my own dad. However you choose to deal with it we'll be here, and you have my number if you want to call me. Don't worry if it's just a text, and never think that i won't want to hear from you. This is in no way anywhere near as bad as what you've suffered but after i had an abortion i'd want to randomly talk about it 6 months after it had happened coz during it happening was too close to the event, so i'm always here if you wanna talk, years into the future.
Thank you.. I nearly deleted this this morning because I regretted putting it on, I think I was just sad last night and needed to do it then.
I'm really really bad at actually starting these kinds of conversations, I'm sure I'd cope with most things a lot better if I just spoke about it. Because it was so fucked with the forgetting, which really ruined my head and still does, and because the people I *have* told have been the polar opposite of supportive, I didn't really know what to do.
You guys rock and I know you're there, I'm here too xx
I'm really, really sorry, darling. Me and Mads are discussing how to get up to see you. I'm still having daily nurse visits but as soon as I'm healed up properly, we're going to come up and see you. That may be in a week or 2.
Call me, ok?
Kate, I have not asked you anything further about it because I upset you so much when you mentioned it to me, so I have deliberately not brought it up again thinking that if you wanted to talk about it then you would. I am sorry I upset you, and I hope my initial apology sufficed, but if it didn't then I'm sorry a hundred times more. I reacted in the way I did not because I was disappointed or annoyed at you but because I want what's best for you -- for you to be able to deal with this and get past it. While I understand that that is so easily said and almost impossibly done, (and I'm sure you're already pointing the accusatory 'what do you know?' finger) I still wish for it, regardless, because you're one of my greatest friends and one of this world's most amazing people, even if I don't make that clear enough. But I am out of my depth on this one; I did the best I could with what you told me, but in hindsight it was not a very good effort. I'm not qualified to deal with this kind of thing other than on a sounding board basis, which is why I pointed you to those numbers. I hope you can make sense of things with someone soon and please please PLEASE call me if you want to talk. I am always happy to listen and I will try my best to give you what advice I can. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Post a Comment