Ok, so I moved out of my home this weekend. That was a bit of a big one.

Not kinda sure what the hell I am doing though.... Dont want to get too in depth because I'm just not sure about how to make sense of it all.... and if I cant make sense of it, how are you supposed to?

I feel very mixed up at the moment. I'm desperately trying to find somewhere to live but the odds seem to be stacked up against me... All the flats in my budget are either super tiny or just hideous! But of course, I just feel totally in the way at Kateys mums and its just all so depressing! Its even depressing enough to make you want to move back in with the husband that you left!

I feel really stange about quite a few things, I'm just not sure how to react. I kinda miss wearing my wedding and engagement rings, I havent worn them for about a month now but still I have suddenly notices that I miss them (I keep them in my pocket sometimes just so that I can fiddle with them... sad, I know). I was going to watch something last night, Heros (this is something that me and Lee would always watch together...) and I felt that I was cheating, going behind his back, like it was wrong for me to watch it with someone else. I keep going to get on the same bus that I would usually get, only it goes in a completely different direction to where I need to go. Force of habit I guess.

The main thing that is really bothering me..... I think I might miss Lee. I'm not sure if this is just because I have been with him for so long that it seems odd for him not to be around or do I generally miss HIM!?! Or do I just miss the life that I had rather than Lee?!? Im so emotionally twisted and confused!

I am determined to leave this for at least another 3 weeks. That way I will know quite certainly because if it is just the life or a routine, I will have a different life and different routine and the feeling of missing something (im sure) will fade and if it doesnt then its probably just that I do actually miss Lee.

When I left Lee he said that despite how hurt he was, he would still like to try... Brave man! I compromised with him that in a couple of months we could see where we stood and maybe start dating again... but I did make it 100% clear that this might not happen, that I might be in a completely different place in 2-3 months and wont want to go back so he shouldnt get his hopes up... so technically, the door is still ajar.... I'm just so muddled!

Flat hunting is uber depressing! I just wish it was over. I'm really hoping that i am going to turn a proverbial corner in my life and things are going to start picking up super soon.... I live in hope!

I will try to keep you updated...