Oh shit!!! Oh shit indeed!

I really wish there wasn't so much going on at the moment.

I want to be there for my Katey to support her through this difficult time... I completely understand that this is difficult for her right now and things in work are only making things harder. I wish that there was some way I could make the entire world vanish so that I can float through space with my Katey, no one could bother us and we would make sense of everything.

There is absolutely no excuse for my neglect, I need to be stronger and a bit less selfish.... Easy to say but maybe a little more difficult to action.

I really wish the last 2 years had never happened... I wonder if I could google 'how to build a time machine' and if it would actually work..... that would make things 1,000,000 times easier...

I'm trying not to avoid the situation at home, its difficult though because its so horrible. Sometimes I can just see Lees heart breaking and I hate that I have done all of that.

Its supposed to be our anniversary weekend, we were going to do lots of lovely stuff but now I just cant face it. Pretty much everything has been cancelled. He still sent flowers to work for me though. They made me cry and now am complete wreck and cant actually concentrate on any work (I have enough problems with this as it is, but now it seems impossible!).

I just want to hide under the bed and chain 'smoke' but will be able to do this quite comfortable at my mothers house. Not sure that I can cope with the motherly lecture that I will get though but once its over, its over.

Don't feel like I'm dealing with all of this very well any more, but do feel like I'm only just hanging on a thread to my sanity/logic....

Fuck it! I'm just going to hide in a cave!! Don't tell anyone, I really don't want to be found.....

I love you Katey and I'm so sorry for being such a let down.... I don't know how I could possibly make it up to you... I wish there was a way of shutting everything out so that I could concentrate on you....

xxxxx