Oh god this sucks so much.

I can't even talk to people about this. This is such bullshit. What is wrong with me? What the fuck is actually fucking wrong with me? Why do I whinge about the most ridiculous stuff all the time - ooh my feet hurt, ooh my job sucks, 00h I'm too hot, ooh I'm too cold - and when something is actually wrong - when it is really truly totally wrong, so wrong I cannot get my head around it... then nothing.

Nicola, thank you so much for being there for me, for listening to me. You worry that I don't talk about my problems when they're real problems, and you're quite right I don't. But I open up when I have the words, I promise.

I don't want to tell people because I don't understand. I don't know why I reacted how I did, I don't know why there was some weird delayed reaction.

I think I'm going to phone the doctor and see if she can recommend a therapist. I've always been keen to avoid them but I've always been quite good at figuring out my own head. I fail this time. I really fail.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.