Well, its not exactly working out to plan, is it?? Thats ok though, I truely believe in a bigger picture. Not sure what that picture is but I can feel it. Things will be bad and times will be super hard but it will pass... Sounds like a complete cop-out.
I dont know what it is but I know that we are both stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we will make it through all the shit... together...
I will always be there for you beautiful Princess Katey.... my feelings for you can not be articulated very well, but you are super amazing and I could not dream up a friend a fraction of the brilliance that you are....
Anyway, my complete fuck-headed-ness!! Im hoping that writing it all down will some how help... please dont judge...
Where to start.... Im not very happy right now. Everything seems to have taken a dive for the shitter! Except, of course, my relationship with Princess Katey which thankfully has flurished amungst the crap (this has been my saving grace, without this im sure I would have just gone completely mental!).
I am married to a man who im not sure I want to be. Im in a job that im not sure if I even want. I dont really feel like I know who I am right now, or what I want. Whos life am I leading??
Naturally, these are only questions that I can answer... which sucks because I dont know how to do that....
I feel so out of control. And I feel that because I dont know any of the answers im messing everyone around, especially my husband.
We will be having a week apart and will then decide how much longer that is going to be for....
I feel like I am constantly moaning about him. He works too hard, he puts me down in publicor he will not show any public displays of affection in public, he doesnt like me spending too much time out with friends, he doesnt seem to care about his health or future so why should I invest in ours? He isnt very suportive, He can be emotionally ignorant, He can be the most selfish person on the planet (but I can be too, so we will strike that from the record...). I feel like im changing and I dont know how or why. Everything in my life feels completely different (maybe he is right when he says it is all me!!!), I just dont know how to react to any of it anymore, even if I like it... I know that my husband doesnt. How could he, its potentially threatening his marriage.
This is where my indecision comes in. If its all about how I have changed, then whats to say that I might not change back? Its a huge decision to make, now im 85% certain that things are going to have to change permanently but its the other 15%... I think I owe this 15% to my husbands sadness/anger/frustration/heartbreak/all the above.... even though I know that my feeling for him are changing (althogh im not sure how they are changing) I still care. I dont want him to hurt. And I really dont want to be the person to create such hurt. But it seems unavoidable.
I used to have a picture of our future in my head. It was lovely, had all the usual family, lovely home, loving husband, wonderful career, etc etc. I dont know when this happened but it all started to fade piece by piece. First it was the children, then the career and the home. Im not sure when the Loving bit faded, I didnt feel it leave.
All I feel now is empty and selfish.
I dont know if any of that makes any sense....
I dont really know if I should publish this post but hey...
Im sure I will edit it at a later date.......
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