14 ways you know you've been single too long

1. The idea of someone else sharing your bed actually freaks you out slightly, and you know you would hold things like them moving in their sleep or breathing loudly against them and be angry with them for it the morning after.
2. You stop missing sex. It'd be nice, you suppose, but there's really good TV on and the prospect of the bikini trim you'd have to approach now really doesn't fill you with joy - in fact, at this point it would involve hiring a hedge trimmer and protective goggles.
3. You're not even looking for a new partner. You meet people and think "oh what a nice person" and not "phwoooaaaargh" and, if you discover they do like you, you remember point 1 and politely decline, while inside screaming "OH DEAR GOD NO" and wanting desperately to return home to your big, empty bed.
4. Your friend meets someone new and is in the happy, romantic, fuckbunny stage and, although happy for them, you are secretly smug at getting to return home to your big, empty bed.
5. Your friendships are suddenly so much stronger and the people in your world receive a decidedly larger amount of attention - they are aware of why and do not hold this against you.
6. You get a completely massive crush on someone utterly unattainable as a safety net to securing your singledom for a while longer. This is, after all, an excuse not to date Mr Nice Person You Just Met - they are just not Mr Amazing But Never Going To Happen.
7. From time to time you become acutely aware of exactly what would make your life better - a fuck buddy. But you refrain, just in case they want a relationship. Ew.
8. If anyone had x-ray vision, they'd see you are wearing the most mismatched underwear invented. It's like you've almost done it on purpose as a rebellion against all those people who are not going to see it. "Yeah!" you inwardly cry, "I'm wearing a leopard print bra and Little Miss Sunshine pants and you can't tell!" In fact...
9. Two words. Comfy. Pants.
10. You stop buying girly magazines like Cosmo because you don't care what 1000 men think makes you "dynamite" in bed and quite frankly, 10 reasons why he will never love you more than his mother is just another bloody good reason to not be with anyone. In fact, even seeing drivvel like this on the front cover is enough to make you not buy it.
11. Your eyerolling at romantic comedies is enough to cause blindness.
12. Love songs, while mildly sickening, are relegated to the "fairly pleasant" playlist on your iPod - which was renamed from I Love My Snookums after the messy breakup when you couldn't quite bear to lose what you had finetuned so perfectly. The playlist, I mean.
13. Suddenly, you're allowed male friends again!
14. You write lists. Like this.

Replace "you" with "I" on all of those, please!

I'm accepting fuckbuddy applications but only from Fittie or something on a shelf in Ann Summers.