I really have the most magical nephews in the entire world. I am just so in love with the world right now just because of spending a few hours with them.
I had just read them a bedtime story, and as I always do to try and do something to encourage some imagination I asked them what they were going to dream about.
James said "dinosaurs!" and talked for ages about a place called Dinosaurworld that really exists, but no person has ever been there and he wants to go there when hes old like me (charming!)
Owen was being quiet and contemplative, and so I asked him again what he was going to dream about. James was still talking about dinosaurs and Owen had gone shy, finger hanging from his mouth thoughtfully, big brown eyes sparkling at me. I held eye contact with him so that he'd know I was listening to whatever he had to say.
"What are you going to dream about tonight, Owen?"
"Everything"
And he said it with such wonder, such love, such excitement for a world he was still growing into, I was taken aback and still am by the absolute awe in his tiny, one worded statement. He is so little, not even four yet, but he summed up so perfectly in one word how I think about the world, and if that's how he thinks about it too I will just burst with love for... everything.
A beautiful song
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Saturday, 20 September 2008
a tale of magic and hope
I don't know why this confuses me but I feel awfully confused. We all know my raging and unhealthy obsession over fittie is rife. I just think he's fantastic. Hilarious and nice and all of these adjectives people use to describe people they fancy. But it's strange, and it sounds gay to say it, but I've always felt in my obsessed and unhealthy mind like there was some kind of wavelength thing going on here. So different but somehow he seems to get me and I think in a way I get him too. He was guidance when I was unsure what the fuck I was doing in my job, and maybe that's the basis of all this, but I'm not unsure anymore and I still feel weird every time he walks past.
I feel like I want to write a book about this just so I get to dwell on it.
Anyway, he wanted to see some of my writing. I didn't have anything accessible so told him to give me a subject and I'd write him something. (Yes, Pixie, that old chestnut!) He said, "A 12 year old Latvian forced to join a travelling circus. It's a comedy".
Now really.
So I wrote him a story, and named the 12 year old Latvian after him, and filled it with references to a book by an anonymous author that I'm convinced Fittie wrote and mentions of work stuff. I sent it to him and he liked it, amazingly, and said he wanted to turn it into some kind of relay thing.
Now, he's written me things before, always fantastic and imaginative but not exactly the norm when it comes to writing stories or poetry. I've loved them all and have always been impressed, but thought in this story writing experience he'd have the ideas and I'd have the sentence structure. (haha I know).
He stayed late at work last night and wrote his chapter and sent it to my personal email address. "A tale of magic and hope by Serena May and Josh Lover".
I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought maybe he had stolen it from somewhere but seriously, where would he miraculously find a piece of writing about a 12 year old Latvian who has just killed everyone in the circus. He projects this image of being a bit of a sports jock type, a ladies man with a conscience, he scratches his head and feigns confusion with everyone else at work but he's so sharp and quietly takes on the world and wins when nobody is looking. He's mysterious and the more I learn about him, the better he gets, even with all the flaws and rough edges and failings.
The chapter he sent me was amazing. Truly, utterly amazing. He describes the landscape like he could touch it, like he was standing there. He uses the most incredible phrasing, words that don't seem to go together get married up. I was wowed, amazed, impressed. I feel like I'm in awe of him now, whereas before I could deal with the fact that he was the extreme of all of these things. I'm trying to kick a pedestal from under him but there isn't one, because every time I get over the fact he's amazing in one way he does something else that blows my mind.
I really don't know. I'm going to get some balls though. I'm going to tell him how amazing this is, and leave out the bit about the unhealthy obsession, and see how freaked out he gets. Maybe it's better that it goes back to him forgetting I exist and me getting on with my life.
He's still moving to Mexico in December though. Fucks sake!
I feel like I want to write a book about this just so I get to dwell on it.
Anyway, he wanted to see some of my writing. I didn't have anything accessible so told him to give me a subject and I'd write him something. (Yes, Pixie, that old chestnut!) He said, "A 12 year old Latvian forced to join a travelling circus. It's a comedy".
Now really.
So I wrote him a story, and named the 12 year old Latvian after him, and filled it with references to a book by an anonymous author that I'm convinced Fittie wrote and mentions of work stuff. I sent it to him and he liked it, amazingly, and said he wanted to turn it into some kind of relay thing.
Now, he's written me things before, always fantastic and imaginative but not exactly the norm when it comes to writing stories or poetry. I've loved them all and have always been impressed, but thought in this story writing experience he'd have the ideas and I'd have the sentence structure. (haha I know).
He stayed late at work last night and wrote his chapter and sent it to my personal email address. "A tale of magic and hope by Serena May and Josh Lover".
I couldn't believe my eyes. I thought maybe he had stolen it from somewhere but seriously, where would he miraculously find a piece of writing about a 12 year old Latvian who has just killed everyone in the circus. He projects this image of being a bit of a sports jock type, a ladies man with a conscience, he scratches his head and feigns confusion with everyone else at work but he's so sharp and quietly takes on the world and wins when nobody is looking. He's mysterious and the more I learn about him, the better he gets, even with all the flaws and rough edges and failings.
The chapter he sent me was amazing. Truly, utterly amazing. He describes the landscape like he could touch it, like he was standing there. He uses the most incredible phrasing, words that don't seem to go together get married up. I was wowed, amazed, impressed. I feel like I'm in awe of him now, whereas before I could deal with the fact that he was the extreme of all of these things. I'm trying to kick a pedestal from under him but there isn't one, because every time I get over the fact he's amazing in one way he does something else that blows my mind.
I really don't know. I'm going to get some balls though. I'm going to tell him how amazing this is, and leave out the bit about the unhealthy obsession, and see how freaked out he gets. Maybe it's better that it goes back to him forgetting I exist and me getting on with my life.
He's still moving to Mexico in December though. Fucks sake!
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Nasal drama
I hate having a face.
On Tuesday, I had a bit of a calamity. It was a well timed calamity and everyone is telling me to sue. That feels a bit dramatic though, really. I'm not the suing type, I'd rather shut up and get on with my life really. I'd love to get paid for doing stupid things occasionally, because that's all it is isn't it. But I don't know, see what you think.
Our facilities management company sent out an email containing the minutes of a recent meeting. One of the issues raised was addressed as follows;
Q: A number of people have reported tripping on the atrium staircase, can we investigate the new stair tread thickness as it is a tripping hazard.
A: There have not been any accidents of this nature reported to the *company* Accident Reporting Helpline and consequently this makes it very difficult to assess the risk. The staircase has been inspected by myself and Another Person who is the Facilities Manager for Bristol and Bath. We are both of an opinion that the stair treads replaced in April 2007 which are only between ground and the first floor are not raised and do not pose a trip hazard, whilst the texture of them might be slightly thicker than on the other stairs they have a tapered leading edge which is perfectly safe. I can only advise that people using this staircase take care whilst doing so.
This was sent at 1.20pm on Tuesday. At 1.45pm, I was on my way down for a cigarette, when I tripped on the aforementioned stair treads and fell down a flight of stairs. All I remember is the ground disappearing and the stairs flying towards me, the crash of my back against something just after I had closed my eyes and suddenly something mashing my nose against my face. When I landed I was on my knees, and remember saying something like "oh shit, I'm bleeding" - which was obvious as after the first few drips it was pretty much pouring out of my face. There were two people behind me who I knew, and they were immediately there - one poor guy who was pretty squeamish and made a polite but desperate exit almost immediately afterwards, and one lovely lady who I have called Mum for yonks because she just looks after people constantly.
The atrium is in the middle of the building. It is not a very subtle place to twat it onto your face and then sit there, white and shaking, while everything you can see slowly turns red. The crowds formed quickly but everyone was nice, either concerned for me or appalled at the bloodbath or both. (To date, only one person has laughed in my face. "What's not to laugh at?") I've heard from several sources that of the people who tried to have a look, not a single person thought it was funny. I work in an office full of cocks so I don't think this is bad going.
Apparently I went white, apologised to everyone a hundred times for being such a bother was not very good at all at being so crowded by concerned people. Polite though, and I didn't cry. I'm quite proud of how I handled the entire thing. This is my blog and I can be a twat if I want to - I was pretty great.
I wanted to go somewhere out of view so was helped into an office while some kind people mopped up the blood. I got very dizzy and quite sick, and was pretty close to passing out. When the colour came back and I was a bit more lucid, I realised I was covered in sweat even though I was ice cold. I don't know if I mentioned this but there was quite a lot of blood, you know. Oh dear god, the blood.
The FM company then sent this:
Ladies and Gents,
Following an unfortunate accident on the atrium staircase this afternoon, a decision has been taken to close off this staircase from the 1st floor down to the ground floor whilst a full investigation into the accident has taken place. Please could I ask all staff to use the lifts or alternative staircases during the investigation.
Apologies for the inconvenience caused.
So there was a hospital visit, and lots of voicemails left for people, a bit of a nightmare trying to park followed by an amusing walk to the hospital where people shielded their kids from me, the blood stained monster who thought all the concerned looks were hilarious. When we got into the lift we were soon joined by a policeman who looked at me funny. "Are you alright?" he said, scratching his bald and shiny head. "Yeah, I've broken my leg" I quipped, then smiled and gestured with the bloody tissues I had still under my nose. "Oh" he replied, looking a tad confused. "Have you done something to your nose as well?"
The worst bit was the nurse cleaning me up. As gentle as she was, there's a cut on the bridge of my nose that must be the point of impact as it was bloody bloody painful when she was wiping all the crusty clots off of there.
I have to go see an ENT specialist on Friday, where he's probably going to poke me a lot. I'm dreading that the most, to be honest. Lots of people have said to sue the FM company but ugh. I'd rather just get on with my life.
Ho hum, eh!
On Tuesday, I had a bit of a calamity. It was a well timed calamity and everyone is telling me to sue. That feels a bit dramatic though, really. I'm not the suing type, I'd rather shut up and get on with my life really. I'd love to get paid for doing stupid things occasionally, because that's all it is isn't it. But I don't know, see what you think.
Our facilities management company sent out an email containing the minutes of a recent meeting. One of the issues raised was addressed as follows;
Q: A number of people have reported tripping on the atrium staircase, can we investigate the new stair tread thickness as it is a tripping hazard.
A: There have not been any accidents of this nature reported to the *company* Accident Reporting Helpline and consequently this makes it very difficult to assess the risk. The staircase has been inspected by myself and Another Person who is the Facilities Manager for Bristol and Bath. We are both of an opinion that the stair treads replaced in April 2007 which are only between ground and the first floor are not raised and do not pose a trip hazard, whilst the texture of them might be slightly thicker than on the other stairs they have a tapered leading edge which is perfectly safe. I can only advise that people using this staircase take care whilst doing so.
This was sent at 1.20pm on Tuesday. At 1.45pm, I was on my way down for a cigarette, when I tripped on the aforementioned stair treads and fell down a flight of stairs. All I remember is the ground disappearing and the stairs flying towards me, the crash of my back against something just after I had closed my eyes and suddenly something mashing my nose against my face. When I landed I was on my knees, and remember saying something like "oh shit, I'm bleeding" - which was obvious as after the first few drips it was pretty much pouring out of my face. There were two people behind me who I knew, and they were immediately there - one poor guy who was pretty squeamish and made a polite but desperate exit almost immediately afterwards, and one lovely lady who I have called Mum for yonks because she just looks after people constantly.
The atrium is in the middle of the building. It is not a very subtle place to twat it onto your face and then sit there, white and shaking, while everything you can see slowly turns red. The crowds formed quickly but everyone was nice, either concerned for me or appalled at the bloodbath or both. (To date, only one person has laughed in my face. "What's not to laugh at?") I've heard from several sources that of the people who tried to have a look, not a single person thought it was funny. I work in an office full of cocks so I don't think this is bad going.
Apparently I went white, apologised to everyone a hundred times for being such a bother was not very good at all at being so crowded by concerned people. Polite though, and I didn't cry. I'm quite proud of how I handled the entire thing. This is my blog and I can be a twat if I want to - I was pretty great.
I wanted to go somewhere out of view so was helped into an office while some kind people mopped up the blood. I got very dizzy and quite sick, and was pretty close to passing out. When the colour came back and I was a bit more lucid, I realised I was covered in sweat even though I was ice cold. I don't know if I mentioned this but there was quite a lot of blood, you know. Oh dear god, the blood.
The FM company then sent this:
Ladies and Gents,
Following an unfortunate accident on the atrium staircase this afternoon, a decision has been taken to close off this staircase from the 1st floor down to the ground floor whilst a full investigation into the accident has taken place. Please could I ask all staff to use the lifts or alternative staircases during the investigation.
Apologies for the inconvenience caused.
So there was a hospital visit, and lots of voicemails left for people, a bit of a nightmare trying to park followed by an amusing walk to the hospital where people shielded their kids from me, the blood stained monster who thought all the concerned looks were hilarious. When we got into the lift we were soon joined by a policeman who looked at me funny. "Are you alright?" he said, scratching his bald and shiny head. "Yeah, I've broken my leg" I quipped, then smiled and gestured with the bloody tissues I had still under my nose. "Oh" he replied, looking a tad confused. "Have you done something to your nose as well?"
The worst bit was the nurse cleaning me up. As gentle as she was, there's a cut on the bridge of my nose that must be the point of impact as it was bloody bloody painful when she was wiping all the crusty clots off of there.
I have to go see an ENT specialist on Friday, where he's probably going to poke me a lot. I'm dreading that the most, to be honest. Lots of people have said to sue the FM company but ugh. I'd rather just get on with my life.
Ho hum, eh!
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Thank god I don't work in the call centrey bit of my company, I'd imagine most of the calls they get go like this:
Customer: Hello, I've broken my phone
Us: Right, what's wrong with it?
Customer: The toast won't come out
Us: What?
Customer: Yes, it's stuck, it won't toast, it's just white crumbly bread
Us: Why is there bread in your phone?
Customer: I'm hungry
Us: So why did you put bread in your PHONE?
Customer: So that I could eat some toast
Us: What happens when you try to make a phone call?
Customer: Um, I don't know, let me try it. Wait someone's on the phone, let me call you back when they're off the phone
Us: OK
*two minutes later*
Customer: Hello, me again, sorry the person on the phone was me
Us: You're using the phone with the bread in it?
Customer: Yes, of course, I only have one phone, what else am I going to use?
Us: The phone with the bread in it?
Customer: Exactly.
Us: Exactly?
Customer: Yes
Us: Ow, my brain
Customer: So, how am I going to do my toast?
Us: Do you own a toaster?
Customer: A what?
Us: A toaster. To make toast.
Customer: Well yes, that's what I'm using. Are you in India?
Us: No. And you're not, you're jamming chunks of bread into your phone. Where is the bread now?
Customer: It's back on the plate, I had to take it out so I could phone you back after I got off the phone.
Us: So is the phone still broken?
Customer: No, but it will be when I stop talking to you again and put the bread back in. It's just not getting brown though!
Us: Stop putting bread in your phone.
Customer: Right, ok. And then how am I going to make my toast?
Us: Buy a toaster.
Customer: A what?
Us: Maybe use the grill? Do you have one of those on your oven?
Customer: I think so, I'll have to wait until after Cash In The Attic though.
*EDIT* Ten minutes later I had the following phone call. This is actually real, only identifying details have been changed. (I just wanted to sound dramatic).
Me: Hi there my name is Katey I am calling from this company about the *blah* pod. Has the extension been installed ok?
Him: Ummm the what?
Me: The extension? It's like a phone line.
Him: I don't know really, how would I be able to tell?
Me: An engineer turned up and put a wire in there?
Him: Oh right. Hmm.
Me: Did a handset arrive as well?
Him: I don't know
Me: Can you go and have a look?
Him: I'm in the pod now
Me: Sorry... you're in the pod? Now?
Him: Yep
Me: And you're on the phone to me?
Him: Yep
Me: So there's a phone in there?
Him: Yep... ohhhhh! Yes there's a phone and an extension!
Me: And it's working ok by the sounds of it
Him: Oh, wait, I don't know if it is
Me: We're on the phone to each other. It's fine.
Him: Yeah I suppose it is isn't it. Great, thanks!
Customer: Hello, I've broken my phone
Us: Right, what's wrong with it?
Customer: The toast won't come out
Us: What?
Customer: Yes, it's stuck, it won't toast, it's just white crumbly bread
Us: Why is there bread in your phone?
Customer: I'm hungry
Us: So why did you put bread in your PHONE?
Customer: So that I could eat some toast
Us: What happens when you try to make a phone call?
Customer: Um, I don't know, let me try it. Wait someone's on the phone, let me call you back when they're off the phone
Us: OK
*two minutes later*
Customer: Hello, me again, sorry the person on the phone was me
Us: You're using the phone with the bread in it?
Customer: Yes, of course, I only have one phone, what else am I going to use?
Us: The phone with the bread in it?
Customer: Exactly.
Us: Exactly?
Customer: Yes
Us: Ow, my brain
Customer: So, how am I going to do my toast?
Us: Do you own a toaster?
Customer: A what?
Us: A toaster. To make toast.
Customer: Well yes, that's what I'm using. Are you in India?
Us: No. And you're not, you're jamming chunks of bread into your phone. Where is the bread now?
Customer: It's back on the plate, I had to take it out so I could phone you back after I got off the phone.
Us: So is the phone still broken?
Customer: No, but it will be when I stop talking to you again and put the bread back in. It's just not getting brown though!
Us: Stop putting bread in your phone.
Customer: Right, ok. And then how am I going to make my toast?
Us: Buy a toaster.
Customer: A what?
Us: Maybe use the grill? Do you have one of those on your oven?
Customer: I think so, I'll have to wait until after Cash In The Attic though.
*EDIT* Ten minutes later I had the following phone call. This is actually real, only identifying details have been changed. (I just wanted to sound dramatic).
Me: Hi there my name is Katey I am calling from this company about the *blah* pod. Has the extension been installed ok?
Him: Ummm the what?
Me: The extension? It's like a phone line.
Him: I don't know really, how would I be able to tell?
Me: An engineer turned up and put a wire in there?
Him: Oh right. Hmm.
Me: Did a handset arrive as well?
Him: I don't know
Me: Can you go and have a look?
Him: I'm in the pod now
Me: Sorry... you're in the pod? Now?
Him: Yep
Me: And you're on the phone to me?
Him: Yep
Me: So there's a phone in there?
Him: Yep... ohhhhh! Yes there's a phone and an extension!
Me: And it's working ok by the sounds of it
Him: Oh, wait, I don't know if it is
Me: We're on the phone to each other. It's fine.
Him: Yeah I suppose it is isn't it. Great, thanks!
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Yesterday was a lovely day of frolicking in London with some of the best people I know. But it was more than that in a way - as I was sitting on a train leaving Bristol behind me I really had the most strange zen-like feeling. I was just sitting on a train and I realised that I had been feeling so tense for months, and I only realised it when the tension was melting away. It was the sparkle reappearing, and I loved the world, overwhelmingly calm with my cheap as shit sunglasses perched atop my bad hair day and the guy next to me screaming down the phone in Nigerian.
When I got there, things that would normally leave me a seething wreck of passive agression weren't so annoying anymore - the crowds were pulsing and massive and that was ok, people with suitcases and prams cut me up at every two paces and I found myself smiling at the thought of them going somewhere nice for their holiday, and not scowling at them for having the audacity to exist.
People who are is really amazing therapy and I feel so much better and stronger over the last few days. I don't understand it yet and don't really want to talk about it because of that but god you guys are great.
This song is so chilled out and fabulous: Rehab - Sitting at a Bar
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
I'm thinking a lot at the moment about things that I wish were finite. I wish I believed in destiny and had something to relax on - I worry that my life will not be wonderful but wouldn't it be nice if I could just trust that it will be what it will be and regardless what I do will not change the way it is fated to be.
But I don't believe that. What do I believe? I don't know, really.
I certainly believe in people, and that we have the ability to save the world, but I also don't believe that will happen. I don't believe in any god, or any higher power, or anything ethereal that loves us relentlessly whether we want it to or not. If there is a god, he fucking hates us.
I believe you have to create your own magic in the world, and that sparkle is in every moment if you can find it, that those who can are blessed, and that those who can't are the ones who are ultimately unhappy. I believe appreciation goes a long way, that forgiveness is so important but that it makes no difference to the person or event that wronged you. I believe in love and I believe that love, of any description, brings magic and makes the sparkle brighter. I love hard and fast and blindly and I throw caution into the wind, I believe that love truly can conquer all but that it can't do it alone.
There is so much that I haven't quite figured out yet, and even if I ever do I don't quite know what I'll do then. How do we know which decision to make, which choice, which path? I have no clue. All I know is that within the last five years my life has not changed in any important ways and that realisation has made me feel really unhappy. I crave adventure but I am as alone as I have ever been.
What do we do when we lose something we never thought we would lose? I'm facing that at the moment and it's strange. All these plans I had and I keep thinking about these things and then catching myself, reminding myself that it's not going to happen now.
Maybe I've been too harsh, too selfish. Maybe not.
But I don't believe that. What do I believe? I don't know, really.
I certainly believe in people, and that we have the ability to save the world, but I also don't believe that will happen. I don't believe in any god, or any higher power, or anything ethereal that loves us relentlessly whether we want it to or not. If there is a god, he fucking hates us.
I believe you have to create your own magic in the world, and that sparkle is in every moment if you can find it, that those who can are blessed, and that those who can't are the ones who are ultimately unhappy. I believe appreciation goes a long way, that forgiveness is so important but that it makes no difference to the person or event that wronged you. I believe in love and I believe that love, of any description, brings magic and makes the sparkle brighter. I love hard and fast and blindly and I throw caution into the wind, I believe that love truly can conquer all but that it can't do it alone.
There is so much that I haven't quite figured out yet, and even if I ever do I don't quite know what I'll do then. How do we know which decision to make, which choice, which path? I have no clue. All I know is that within the last five years my life has not changed in any important ways and that realisation has made me feel really unhappy. I crave adventure but I am as alone as I have ever been.
What do we do when we lose something we never thought we would lose? I'm facing that at the moment and it's strange. All these plans I had and I keep thinking about these things and then catching myself, reminding myself that it's not going to happen now.
Maybe I've been too harsh, too selfish. Maybe not.
Sunday, 27 July 2008
Everything's magic
I've basically been living in the cinema for the last few weeks, which has been strangely nice after having a few months without even going at all.
Wanted was a visually stunning film with an achingly cool concept, but what made it great also broke it in my daft opinion. The oh so hip shots of bullets bending in the air became so silly, though I actually liked the way that the love story between the two characters never really became a proper love story, but it featured a little too much for something that never really happened.
Hancock was probably my biggest surprise - I was expecting to be entertained to a reasonable level and really only went to the cinema that day because I had a bit of a craving for nachos. But I really liked it, and thought it was a novel slant to the booming "Ooh! I know! Let's make a film about a person with SUPER POWERS!" idea. I didn't really realise that Will Smith = BANK until the movie studios told me so, though. So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
Wall-E was predictably brilliant, with a first twenty minutes like I Am Legend, a middle hour a cross between The Matrix and The Tweenies and a final twenty minutes like, I don't know, every film ever. The love story development kind of pissed me off with its "Ooh, actually I would" quick turnaround when it suited the plot to have Wall-E get rescued, but then it was a kids movie and I didn't expect much to be complex except the rendering. I liked the Mac Vs PC aspect of Wall-E and E.V.E more than anything, but that's only because I'm a PC girl and Wall-E was the PC. If they mated (the sparks would be generated by the furious bumping of motherboards) would the babies be like an iMac with a virus or like a fax machine made of polished white aluminium with twinkly lights? Oh god, I actually am a nerd aren't I.
Kung Fu Panda might have been predictable as shit, and was far fetched even if you were to overlook the talking animals (the dragon warrior is a fat panda who mastered kung fu a two minute montage but never actually lost a pound? REALLY NOW?) but every single nuance in that film had forethought and purpose, which had thoroughly won me over by the end of it. I laughed out loud - yes, lol'd - repeatedly throughout and with good reason, the script was excellent and somehow Poe the panda didn't end up just being Voiced By Jack Black, I forgot it was even him most of the time.
Tonight, however, we went to see Baby Mama. It was a spur of the moment thing - after an afternoon of mooching around the shops (and buying some utterly, spastically cute white sandals) and a restaurant debate that resulted in us going Mexican and eating far, far too many quasedillas, we were too lethargic to do anything involving movement but were too entertained to go home.
It was that or The Dark Knight with the rest of Bristol. I don't like the rest of Bristol.
From the way that the lead actress repeatedly wore a hideous pair of brown shoes throughout and walked like she's either shit herself, or is excercising her kegal muscles by trying to hold a bollard inside herself, to the most predictable plot in the western universe, it was just a big mess.
Obviously, I'll be getting it on DVD.
It was perfectly watchable, but so bad that all I'll remember from tonight is driving home through country lanes, terrifying each other with stories of head on collisions and American-slasher-flick-style serial killers. Because that's what friends are for.
On that note, over the last few weeks my towers of strength have come from the most unexpected places. People who have always been there in the past have not seemed to care at all; people who promised to always be there in the future have apparently decided not to be.
I'm upset, but not with them. I find it hard to be angry with someone when they make the decision that's best for them. I need to focus more on the things that are great and positive in my world, and let the everything else either fall away or try again. And oh boy, there is so much that is positive in the world.
Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Wanted was a visually stunning film with an achingly cool concept, but what made it great also broke it in my daft opinion. The oh so hip shots of bullets bending in the air became so silly, though I actually liked the way that the love story between the two characters never really became a proper love story, but it featured a little too much for something that never really happened.
Hancock was probably my biggest surprise - I was expecting to be entertained to a reasonable level and really only went to the cinema that day because I had a bit of a craving for nachos. But I really liked it, and thought it was a novel slant to the booming "Ooh! I know! Let's make a film about a person with SUPER POWERS!" idea. I didn't really realise that Will Smith = BANK until the movie studios told me so, though. So this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...
Wall-E was predictably brilliant, with a first twenty minutes like I Am Legend, a middle hour a cross between The Matrix and The Tweenies and a final twenty minutes like, I don't know, every film ever. The love story development kind of pissed me off with its "Ooh, actually I would" quick turnaround when it suited the plot to have Wall-E get rescued, but then it was a kids movie and I didn't expect much to be complex except the rendering. I liked the Mac Vs PC aspect of Wall-E and E.V.E more than anything, but that's only because I'm a PC girl and Wall-E was the PC. If they mated (the sparks would be generated by the furious bumping of motherboards) would the babies be like an iMac with a virus or like a fax machine made of polished white aluminium with twinkly lights? Oh god, I actually am a nerd aren't I.
Kung Fu Panda might have been predictable as shit, and was far fetched even if you were to overlook the talking animals (the dragon warrior is a fat panda who mastered kung fu a two minute montage but never actually lost a pound? REALLY NOW?) but every single nuance in that film had forethought and purpose, which had thoroughly won me over by the end of it. I laughed out loud - yes, lol'd - repeatedly throughout and with good reason, the script was excellent and somehow Poe the panda didn't end up just being Voiced By Jack Black, I forgot it was even him most of the time.
Tonight, however, we went to see Baby Mama. It was a spur of the moment thing - after an afternoon of mooching around the shops (and buying some utterly, spastically cute white sandals) and a restaurant debate that resulted in us going Mexican and eating far, far too many quasedillas, we were too lethargic to do anything involving movement but were too entertained to go home.
It was that or The Dark Knight with the rest of Bristol. I don't like the rest of Bristol.
From the way that the lead actress repeatedly wore a hideous pair of brown shoes throughout and walked like she's either shit herself, or is excercising her kegal muscles by trying to hold a bollard inside herself, to the most predictable plot in the western universe, it was just a big mess.
Obviously, I'll be getting it on DVD.
It was perfectly watchable, but so bad that all I'll remember from tonight is driving home through country lanes, terrifying each other with stories of head on collisions and American-slasher-flick-style serial killers. Because that's what friends are for.
On that note, over the last few weeks my towers of strength have come from the most unexpected places. People who have always been there in the past have not seemed to care at all; people who promised to always be there in the future have apparently decided not to be.
I'm upset, but not with them. I find it hard to be angry with someone when they make the decision that's best for them. I need to focus more on the things that are great and positive in my world, and let the everything else either fall away or try again. And oh boy, there is so much that is positive in the world.
Angels & Airwaves - Everything's Magic
So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Boobzilla's blog the other day mentioned how people generally use their blogs as a place to complain endlessly. I realised I do that. I think it's because I'd rather complain endlessly to a screen than to a person, but generally end up doing both anyway. I'm quite good at complaining.
Am going to the Cats Protection League's cattery type placey thing tonight with my friend Myooz as both of us would quite like to adopt a kitty. Strange thing to do with a night out I suppose! I'm hoping to get home relatively early (I don't think a cattery is likely to operate an all night rave anyway) as I feel quite run down at the moment and think a couple of good nights of sleep might make me feel better about the fact that in ten months at my job I've had four days off, and doing 11 hour days of a stressful job for ten months takes its toll on you after a while.
I believe in fairytaleism. When things are great I almost burst with the wonder of the world, and when things stop being so glittery and exciting I tend to whinge endlessly like the most tediously boring asshole to ever exist. When it's great, it's never been better and when it's not great, it could barely be worse.
I'm an idiot, what can I say.
Am going to the Cats Protection League's cattery type placey thing tonight with my friend Myooz as both of us would quite like to adopt a kitty. Strange thing to do with a night out I suppose! I'm hoping to get home relatively early (I don't think a cattery is likely to operate an all night rave anyway) as I feel quite run down at the moment and think a couple of good nights of sleep might make me feel better about the fact that in ten months at my job I've had four days off, and doing 11 hour days of a stressful job for ten months takes its toll on you after a while.
I believe in fairytaleism. When things are great I almost burst with the wonder of the world, and when things stop being so glittery and exciting I tend to whinge endlessly like the most tediously boring asshole to ever exist. When it's great, it's never been better and when it's not great, it could barely be worse.
I'm an idiot, what can I say.
Saturday, 19 July 2008
In the new flat... it is an interesting adventure...!!
I am currently sat with one of the new flatmates and the otherones girlfriend... She is only 16 and sometimes it really shows.... she is now moaning about how many things are wrong with her life and to be quite frank, she is getting quite irritating quite quickly..... this might become quite tiresome very quickly....
Anyway, i am just waiting for my new bed to be delivered.... it is uber yummy but for £600(!) you would have to expect some kind of built in sexyness... Is it really that sad that i am super excited about my new bed, i have nearly wet myself at least 3 times in the last hour!!
Becuase I havent blogged for so long, i should really do a run down of what has been happening....
In work recently I have had the most humilliating experience ever in my life!!! I was outside smoking and when i went to walk in (ducking under the car park barrier) saw the hottest hottie in the building standing smoking by the barrier..... I knocked into the barrier through shock when dipping under it and the snotty PA said 'owwww, Mr Hottie (she did use his real name though) will kiss it better for you' at which point i turned into a complete rediculous mush and scuttled away round the corner muttering 'fuck, oh my god, fuck, fuck, fuck....'. He saw this and I am now 100% sure that he thinks that i am severely retarded.....!!!!
Anyway, the daily trials continue.... how much more can i handle....???
:)
I am currently sat with one of the new flatmates and the otherones girlfriend... She is only 16 and sometimes it really shows.... she is now moaning about how many things are wrong with her life and to be quite frank, she is getting quite irritating quite quickly..... this might become quite tiresome very quickly....
Anyway, i am just waiting for my new bed to be delivered.... it is uber yummy but for £600(!) you would have to expect some kind of built in sexyness... Is it really that sad that i am super excited about my new bed, i have nearly wet myself at least 3 times in the last hour!!
Becuase I havent blogged for so long, i should really do a run down of what has been happening....
In work recently I have had the most humilliating experience ever in my life!!! I was outside smoking and when i went to walk in (ducking under the car park barrier) saw the hottest hottie in the building standing smoking by the barrier..... I knocked into the barrier through shock when dipping under it and the snotty PA said 'owwww, Mr Hottie (she did use his real name though) will kiss it better for you' at which point i turned into a complete rediculous mush and scuttled away round the corner muttering 'fuck, oh my god, fuck, fuck, fuck....'. He saw this and I am now 100% sure that he thinks that i am severely retarded.....!!!!
Anyway, the daily trials continue.... how much more can i handle....???
:)
Friday, 18 July 2008
Earlier this week everyone in the office received an email from the facilities management company who look after the office. I'll paraphrase, but the italic is exact quote:
"People who cycle to work like to use the showers in the morning before work begins, however they have been running into problems. It seems that people use the shower rooms for their sit down toilet adventures in the mornings. Could we please request that you do this in the normal toilets and leave the shower rooms to be used as such".
Yes, sit down toilet adventures.
All week there has been a procession of amusing post it notes appearing on the door of the shower room, as well as on the normal toilets. My favourite was the one that appeared there seemingly minutes after the email went round:
THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!
Working in a big office means that office humour runs rampant and really does brighten up the day. I'm almost ashamed, but it is quite funny.
Yesterday I wore a new tank top to work. It has a black background with big hearts all over it, and it's a bit stripy. It's really nice, shut up. Anyway, all day I was mocked so viciously for wearing knitwear that looks like a grandma did it then gave it to a CLIC charity shop. I got home and whined to mum about my colleagues mean-ness. "Mum" I said, heartbroken, "how could they be so mean over such a thoroughly adorable tank top?!". "Well" she replied, "it's disgusting".
"People who cycle to work like to use the showers in the morning before work begins, however they have been running into problems. It seems that people use the shower rooms for their sit down toilet adventures in the mornings. Could we please request that you do this in the normal toilets and leave the shower rooms to be used as such".
Yes, sit down toilet adventures.
All week there has been a procession of amusing post it notes appearing on the door of the shower room, as well as on the normal toilets. My favourite was the one that appeared there seemingly minutes after the email went round:
THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!
Working in a big office means that office humour runs rampant and really does brighten up the day. I'm almost ashamed, but it is quite funny.
Yesterday I wore a new tank top to work. It has a black background with big hearts all over it, and it's a bit stripy. It's really nice, shut up. Anyway, all day I was mocked so viciously for wearing knitwear that looks like a grandma did it then gave it to a CLIC charity shop. I got home and whined to mum about my colleagues mean-ness. "Mum" I said, heartbroken, "how could they be so mean over such a thoroughly adorable tank top?!". "Well" she replied, "it's disgusting".
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
I am the worlds worst procrastinator. Even stuff I actually want to do I somehow find a way to not do it because I've been distracted by some pointless shit. When I reach my death bed, I will look back on all the pointless shit I have done and have to call it my life.
Here's an example of my utter ridiculousness. I got paid a bonus recently, it wasn't much but it was four figures (just!) and that'll cover cutting down the overdraft a bit, buy me a cheapish new digital camera and sort out some wardrobe malfunctions.
So, there are a small number of shops that I prefer, and the evilpixie will probably recoil in horror here. I like next.co.uk for jeans and occasional tops, and work trousers too as I never wear work skirts or suit jackets as they make me feel a bit too much like a corporate whore, particularly as I act like one all day. (Today I had to forecast net incremental earned revenue figures for Q2. I don't even know what that means. I guessed them then cut about 20% off to better my chances, and will just take the tutting when I'm totally fucked at the end of Q2). Anyway. I like dorothyperkins.com for tops, and shoes actually. Shoes also take me to faith.co.uk and office.co.uk. I regularly browse these sites when I am poor and think of all the things I would like to buy, as I am a dreamy kind of idiot. I also do this with Ikea websites. Stop laughing at me!
So, I have the available funds. In fact, they're more than available, they're designated for the purpose of buying some new stuff. Brilliant!
Instead of actually buying this shit, I have come home from work and:
I need an outfit for Saturday night. I must look better than my childhood enemy when we go to the same birthday party. We've always been similarly hideously fat, but she's a sad act who has worked in a shop since she was 16 and recently had the baby of a man who is currently in prison for ABH but even when he was allowed out without an electronic tag, he was so ashamed of sleeping with her she has never met his friends. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby anymore, which is sad even if he is a total loser, but his loserism does make me laugh.
I've got better tits anyway. And mine don't leak.
Here's an example of my utter ridiculousness. I got paid a bonus recently, it wasn't much but it was four figures (just!) and that'll cover cutting down the overdraft a bit, buy me a cheapish new digital camera and sort out some wardrobe malfunctions.
So, there are a small number of shops that I prefer, and the evilpixie will probably recoil in horror here. I like next.co.uk for jeans and occasional tops, and work trousers too as I never wear work skirts or suit jackets as they make me feel a bit too much like a corporate whore, particularly as I act like one all day. (Today I had to forecast net incremental earned revenue figures for Q2. I don't even know what that means. I guessed them then cut about 20% off to better my chances, and will just take the tutting when I'm totally fucked at the end of Q2). Anyway. I like dorothyperkins.com for tops, and shoes actually. Shoes also take me to faith.co.uk and office.co.uk. I regularly browse these sites when I am poor and think of all the things I would like to buy, as I am a dreamy kind of idiot. I also do this with Ikea websites. Stop laughing at me!
So, I have the available funds. In fact, they're more than available, they're designated for the purpose of buying some new stuff. Brilliant!
Instead of actually buying this shit, I have come home from work and:
- Checked my emails. Five times.
- Gone on second life, even though I am not djing tonight.
- Literally sat here and refreshed my facebook to see if anything got updated.
- Checked my emails another five times.
I need an outfit for Saturday night. I must look better than my childhood enemy when we go to the same birthday party. We've always been similarly hideously fat, but she's a sad act who has worked in a shop since she was 16 and recently had the baby of a man who is currently in prison for ABH but even when he was allowed out without an electronic tag, he was so ashamed of sleeping with her she has never met his friends. He doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby anymore, which is sad even if he is a total loser, but his loserism does make me laugh.
I've got better tits anyway. And mine don't leak.
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Realitygay suggested listing 4 songs that mean something to me, and that's quite a nice idea frankly as we all know how I love my shit music. I can't promise they're all going to be life defining moments of great realisation and wisdom but they'll mean something, anything at all, and that'll mean I can do lots of these posts.
M83 - Teen Angst
I listed it in an earlier entry but this is one of those songs that, at the right moment in time, can make everything feel a bajillion times less stressful. This is something terribly important to have - an excuse to stop worrying. I have quite a soft spot for shoegazing/chilled electro.
Coldplay - The Scientist
The first time I ever met Realitygay he forced me to buy AROBTTH and that night we sat and listened to it repeatedly while actually having conversations that didn't involve MSN. Don't tell him, but Realitygay is a bit great.
Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen
Yeah don't laugh. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. This song contains things that we could all do with remembering and actually cheers me up when I am feeling neurotic/self concious/less than brilliant, which is most of the time I am awake really.
Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
The most perfect song to ever exist.
M83 - Teen Angst
I listed it in an earlier entry but this is one of those songs that, at the right moment in time, can make everything feel a bajillion times less stressful. This is something terribly important to have - an excuse to stop worrying. I have quite a soft spot for shoegazing/chilled electro.
Coldplay - The Scientist
The first time I ever met Realitygay he forced me to buy AROBTTH and that night we sat and listened to it repeatedly while actually having conversations that didn't involve MSN. Don't tell him, but Realitygay is a bit great.
Baz Luhrmann - Sunscreen
Yeah don't laugh. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. This song contains things that we could all do with remembering and actually cheers me up when I am feeling neurotic/self concious/less than brilliant, which is most of the time I am awake really.
Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space
The most perfect song to ever exist.
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Scene 1, Act 1
Katey and Nicola are sitting on Katey's bed doing the SparkLife Wench Test. Nicola is on the question "How Many People Have You Slept With?"
Nicola: Ummmmm
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Errrrrrr *scratches head, looks pained*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: This is only hard because of my bad memory
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Ummmmm errrrrr *scratching head, counting on fingers, thinking really really hard face*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: I'm up to when I moved to Bristol
Katey and Nicola are sitting on Katey's bed doing the SparkLife Wench Test. Nicola is on the question "How Many People Have You Slept With?"
Nicola: Ummmmm
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Errrrrrr *scratches head, looks pained*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: This is only hard because of my bad memory
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: Ummmmm errrrrr *scratching head, counting on fingers, thinking really really hard face*
Katey: *dignified silence*
Nicola: I'm up to when I moved to Bristol
Monday, 30 June 2008
Ok, flat hunting is completely over for the min hopefully!!
We have found somewhere lovely and all going to plan, the credit checks etc will go perfectly... fingers crossed...
Ian,
I will keep you advice in mind as a last resort... your comment made me smile though, which is a huge achievment! Thank you xx
I would like to hibernate from the world until we move but i dont think that is entirely possable! i will try though.
The now ex is being very well behaved though which is pleasant but i wasnt expecting it. I thought he would put up a huge fight, but no....
We have found somewhere lovely and all going to plan, the credit checks etc will go perfectly... fingers crossed...
Ian,
I will keep you advice in mind as a last resort... your comment made me smile though, which is a huge achievment! Thank you xx
I would like to hibernate from the world until we move but i dont think that is entirely possable! i will try though.
The now ex is being very well behaved though which is pleasant but i wasnt expecting it. I thought he would put up a huge fight, but no....
Hello, world.
The last week has been eventful in a nothingy sort of way.
I have had the lovely Miss Nicola staying with me which has been really quite nice and we seem to put up with each other remarkably well considering we are up each other's arse near constantly. The only real change in my life to be honest is the amount of weed I am smoking, which has gone from absolutely none to quite a considerable sum within about a month.
Nicola's life is funner than mine at the minute. She gets booty calls, I get guys who want to get to know me (WITHOUT ACTUALLY LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY!) I give up. I'm marrying the Hippie. Hippie needs a new nickname, I don't feel like Hippie is really very fair. Henceforth she will be Kittentits.
Work, oh work, why do you plague me with your incessant bullshit and occasional opportunity to escape the building. I have absolutely lost all desire to be here. Bye bye, desire. A bunch of people went to Vegas last week, they're all back today so I'm entertaining myself by finding out gossip. So far the best thing I've heard is that someone I don't know on the other side of our floor got so drunk he passed out in the toilets and shit himself, and had to have the door broken down by security who then frogmarched him to his room, still covered in the bowel explosion he had not quite been quick enough to fire down a toilet.
Bless.
Befuddled is back from holiday, I have the strange urge to see him, I hope he can make it down for the flatwarming. Oh yes! Flatwarming!
http://www.andrewsonline.co.uk/renting-letting/property-details.aspx?ID=83018
Nicola and I move into that flat in about two weeks, ish. We were going to flip a coin for the rooms but I think Nic has decided she wants the en suite, haha. I'm excited about moving in, though utterly sad to be leaving home again. I don't want anyone to think I'm a mummy's girl, I fall into the role of one pretty quickly when I live at home but I function a lot better when I don't live at home. I just get absolutely terrified that she will be lonely if I don't live there. It's not even so much about the money, it is just the fear of her being lonely. My relationship with my mother is a strange one complicated by a bizarre family and a more bizarre family history. More than anything in the world I want for her to be ok. Me fucking off and leaving her isn't exactly looking after her. See, this is why I'm actually going to save money by moving out - the rent might be extortionate but I do give Mum a ridiculous amount for living there. And when I think about it selfishly, the point of me moving home was so that I could live cheap for a while and save some cash, but also give mum a monetary boost.
But what has this accomplished? I give mum so much money I can't afford to save anything, and mum has got it into her head that she can live without working. This isn't really healthy for either of us.
Anyway. Here are a list of things that I want, and do not give a shit how realistic this list is.
1. A man who knows what he wants (preferably me) and is capable of occasionally indulging in a two way conversation with me. I know, I know - pipe dream.
2. To be skinny. Actually I don't even want to be skinny, I always want to be reasonably chubby, I just want to not be this chubby anymore.
3. A job I enjoy doing that pays me lots and that I can throw myself into and become one of those sad workaholics, as I think I'd enjoy being one of those if only my job wasn't such total poo.
4. A really big shoe collection, and the loss of all nerves in my feet.
The last week has been eventful in a nothingy sort of way.
I have had the lovely Miss Nicola staying with me which has been really quite nice and we seem to put up with each other remarkably well considering we are up each other's arse near constantly. The only real change in my life to be honest is the amount of weed I am smoking, which has gone from absolutely none to quite a considerable sum within about a month.
Nicola's life is funner than mine at the minute. She gets booty calls, I get guys who want to get to know me (WITHOUT ACTUALLY LISTENING TO A WORD I SAY!) I give up. I'm marrying the Hippie. Hippie needs a new nickname, I don't feel like Hippie is really very fair. Henceforth she will be Kittentits.
Work, oh work, why do you plague me with your incessant bullshit and occasional opportunity to escape the building. I have absolutely lost all desire to be here. Bye bye, desire. A bunch of people went to Vegas last week, they're all back today so I'm entertaining myself by finding out gossip. So far the best thing I've heard is that someone I don't know on the other side of our floor got so drunk he passed out in the toilets and shit himself, and had to have the door broken down by security who then frogmarched him to his room, still covered in the bowel explosion he had not quite been quick enough to fire down a toilet.
Bless.
Befuddled is back from holiday, I have the strange urge to see him, I hope he can make it down for the flatwarming. Oh yes! Flatwarming!
http://www.andrewsonline.co.uk/renting-letting/property-details.aspx?ID=83018
Nicola and I move into that flat in about two weeks, ish. We were going to flip a coin for the rooms but I think Nic has decided she wants the en suite, haha. I'm excited about moving in, though utterly sad to be leaving home again. I don't want anyone to think I'm a mummy's girl, I fall into the role of one pretty quickly when I live at home but I function a lot better when I don't live at home. I just get absolutely terrified that she will be lonely if I don't live there. It's not even so much about the money, it is just the fear of her being lonely. My relationship with my mother is a strange one complicated by a bizarre family and a more bizarre family history. More than anything in the world I want for her to be ok. Me fucking off and leaving her isn't exactly looking after her. See, this is why I'm actually going to save money by moving out - the rent might be extortionate but I do give Mum a ridiculous amount for living there. And when I think about it selfishly, the point of me moving home was so that I could live cheap for a while and save some cash, but also give mum a monetary boost.
But what has this accomplished? I give mum so much money I can't afford to save anything, and mum has got it into her head that she can live without working. This isn't really healthy for either of us.
Anyway. Here are a list of things that I want, and do not give a shit how realistic this list is.
1. A man who knows what he wants (preferably me) and is capable of occasionally indulging in a two way conversation with me. I know, I know - pipe dream.
2. To be skinny. Actually I don't even want to be skinny, I always want to be reasonably chubby, I just want to not be this chubby anymore.
3. A job I enjoy doing that pays me lots and that I can throw myself into and become one of those sad workaholics, as I think I'd enjoy being one of those if only my job wasn't such total poo.
4. A really big shoe collection, and the loss of all nerves in my feet.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
a blog about maddie
Maddie was a girl with a certain Essex charm
She once asked me the time and then bit off my arm
I do alright with just a stump, I'm lucky they say
But that is how I met her that fateful rainy day
Once she had spat out my limb she asked me how I was
I explained about the pain and that she was the cause
And she did apologise which I thought was rather nice
As I tried to stealthily jam the arm into a bucket of ice
I thought of the things that I would never do again
Like clapping, and my mexican wave won't win me any friends
But now I have a Maddie and she doesn't care that I'm a cripple
I will always be here when she wants to flash her nipples
When we realised men were idiots we decided to wed
As all the men we could have dated were sadly fairly dead
We killed them and we weed on them, there may have been some poo
But it will be worth all of the death when we say I do
So here I am, a stumpy twat, my bride calls me Bravetart
But she is the greatest apparently so I give her my heart
She is great and strips a lot and she makes me laugh
And together we will urinate on all who cross our path
She once asked me the time and then bit off my arm
I do alright with just a stump, I'm lucky they say
But that is how I met her that fateful rainy day
Once she had spat out my limb she asked me how I was
I explained about the pain and that she was the cause
And she did apologise which I thought was rather nice
As I tried to stealthily jam the arm into a bucket of ice
I thought of the things that I would never do again
Like clapping, and my mexican wave won't win me any friends
But now I have a Maddie and she doesn't care that I'm a cripple
I will always be here when she wants to flash her nipples
When we realised men were idiots we decided to wed
As all the men we could have dated were sadly fairly dead
We killed them and we weed on them, there may have been some poo
But it will be worth all of the death when we say I do
So here I am, a stumpy twat, my bride calls me Bravetart
But she is the greatest apparently so I give her my heart
She is great and strips a lot and she makes me laugh
And together we will urinate on all who cross our path
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Ok, so I moved out of my home this weekend. That was a bit of a big one.
Not kinda sure what the hell I am doing though.... Dont want to get too in depth because I'm just not sure about how to make sense of it all.... and if I cant make sense of it, how are you supposed to?
I feel very mixed up at the moment. I'm desperately trying to find somewhere to live but the odds seem to be stacked up against me... All the flats in my budget are either super tiny or just hideous! But of course, I just feel totally in the way at Kateys mums and its just all so depressing! Its even depressing enough to make you want to move back in with the husband that you left!
I feel really stange about quite a few things, I'm just not sure how to react. I kinda miss wearing my wedding and engagement rings, I havent worn them for about a month now but still I have suddenly notices that I miss them (I keep them in my pocket sometimes just so that I can fiddle with them... sad, I know). I was going to watch something last night, Heros (this is something that me and Lee would always watch together...) and I felt that I was cheating, going behind his back, like it was wrong for me to watch it with someone else. I keep going to get on the same bus that I would usually get, only it goes in a completely different direction to where I need to go. Force of habit I guess.
The main thing that is really bothering me..... I think I might miss Lee. I'm not sure if this is just because I have been with him for so long that it seems odd for him not to be around or do I generally miss HIM!?! Or do I just miss the life that I had rather than Lee?!? Im so emotionally twisted and confused!
I am determined to leave this for at least another 3 weeks. That way I will know quite certainly because if it is just the life or a routine, I will have a different life and different routine and the feeling of missing something (im sure) will fade and if it doesnt then its probably just that I do actually miss Lee.
When I left Lee he said that despite how hurt he was, he would still like to try... Brave man! I compromised with him that in a couple of months we could see where we stood and maybe start dating again... but I did make it 100% clear that this might not happen, that I might be in a completely different place in 2-3 months and wont want to go back so he shouldnt get his hopes up... so technically, the door is still ajar.... I'm just so muddled!
Flat hunting is uber depressing! I just wish it was over. I'm really hoping that i am going to turn a proverbial corner in my life and things are going to start picking up super soon.... I live in hope!
I will try to keep you updated...
Not kinda sure what the hell I am doing though.... Dont want to get too in depth because I'm just not sure about how to make sense of it all.... and if I cant make sense of it, how are you supposed to?
I feel very mixed up at the moment. I'm desperately trying to find somewhere to live but the odds seem to be stacked up against me... All the flats in my budget are either super tiny or just hideous! But of course, I just feel totally in the way at Kateys mums and its just all so depressing! Its even depressing enough to make you want to move back in with the husband that you left!
I feel really stange about quite a few things, I'm just not sure how to react. I kinda miss wearing my wedding and engagement rings, I havent worn them for about a month now but still I have suddenly notices that I miss them (I keep them in my pocket sometimes just so that I can fiddle with them... sad, I know). I was going to watch something last night, Heros (this is something that me and Lee would always watch together...) and I felt that I was cheating, going behind his back, like it was wrong for me to watch it with someone else. I keep going to get on the same bus that I would usually get, only it goes in a completely different direction to where I need to go. Force of habit I guess.
The main thing that is really bothering me..... I think I might miss Lee. I'm not sure if this is just because I have been with him for so long that it seems odd for him not to be around or do I generally miss HIM!?! Or do I just miss the life that I had rather than Lee?!? Im so emotionally twisted and confused!
I am determined to leave this for at least another 3 weeks. That way I will know quite certainly because if it is just the life or a routine, I will have a different life and different routine and the feeling of missing something (im sure) will fade and if it doesnt then its probably just that I do actually miss Lee.
When I left Lee he said that despite how hurt he was, he would still like to try... Brave man! I compromised with him that in a couple of months we could see where we stood and maybe start dating again... but I did make it 100% clear that this might not happen, that I might be in a completely different place in 2-3 months and wont want to go back so he shouldnt get his hopes up... so technically, the door is still ajar.... I'm just so muddled!
Flat hunting is uber depressing! I just wish it was over. I'm really hoping that i am going to turn a proverbial corner in my life and things are going to start picking up super soon.... I live in hope!
I will try to keep you updated...
Monday, 23 June 2008
"everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"
I had one of the best nights I've had in oh so long last Friday night.
It started out a little bit crappy - I was waiting forever for various trains, I was tired before I'd even begun thanks to a bit of a harsh workday. Sometimes you understand things to be true without even needing them to happen, and I knew in my heart that I would go to bed by 2am, shattered and lame.
Actually getting there involved three trains, a bus and a 45 minute walk. I was befriended by randoms at almost every step and was even feeling cheerful when I finally staggered to the top of the hill and the lovely essexies were not near the stones. I think I was a bit shouty with them though. (Sorry Essexies).
It was (christ, another person to nickname. Shit it) Len's (geddit? Len's... lens... har har har...oh leave me alone!) birthday the next day and thus the reason for the gathering at Stonehenge. Hippie and Boobzilla were also there, along with their friend Poncho, who had a really quite fabulous poncho. We were soon befriended by people who do not need nicknaming as their names were so fucking random. They were from the Forest of Dean, you know. *cries* We were also joined by Len's friend Ginger and her boyfriend Grumpy, plus his friends Dopey and Happy. Happy was a bit fit.
It rained all night. It was so soggy. Like, soggy beyond soggy. What was hilarious was that for the whole night, the bags, booze and drugs occupied prime dryness position in the middle of the tarpaulin, however our arses were generally hanging over the edge onto the grass. A bit dubious on the priorities front, however judging from how wet our stuff actually got, perhaps it wouldn't have made any difference at all.
I made a decision after considering both sides of the shall I/shan't I spectrum, and though I didn't really feel much from this decision, was glad I made it and am looking forward to making it again at some point in the future, now that the initial step has been taken. How very cryptic. Fuck it, I took an E and survived, was only mildly affected due to weakness of pills and would like to experience actual E highness at some point, but am in no rush and will not be developing a smack problem any time soon. It'd be in a similar environment, so might even be Solstice next year ha.
Happy was a nice man and I had developed a teensy crush on him by the end of the evening, even if there was mass drama with Ginger and Grumpy (bless 'em). Breakups and hookups, eh. The hookup was Len's friend Dylan and (oh crap, what's his fucking nickname...) Kittentits. Something about tits anyway.
We eventually slept a little bit but I woke up feeling worse for it, and during a wibbly drive back that involved a hilarious stop in a Little Chef where we were stared at for our facial daubings and Len said the funniest thing I've heard in yonks - "This car needs to be hosed down like a n*****r in the 50s" - we eventually appeared at home and slept like the dead.
Happy birthday, Len. Same time next year?
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Friday, 20 June 2008
Oh shit!!! Oh shit indeed!
I really wish there wasn't so much going on at the moment.
I want to be there for my Katey to support her through this difficult time... I completely understand that this is difficult for her right now and things in work are only making things harder. I wish that there was some way I could make the entire world vanish so that I can float through space with my Katey, no one could bother us and we would make sense of everything.
There is absolutely no excuse for my neglect, I need to be stronger and a bit less selfish.... Easy to say but maybe a little more difficult to action.
I really wish the last 2 years had never happened... I wonder if I could google 'how to build a time machine' and if it would actually work..... that would make things 1,000,000 times easier...
I'm trying not to avoid the situation at home, its difficult though because its so horrible. Sometimes I can just see Lees heart breaking and I hate that I have done all of that.
Its supposed to be our anniversary weekend, we were going to do lots of lovely stuff but now I just cant face it. Pretty much everything has been cancelled. He still sent flowers to work for me though. They made me cry and now am complete wreck and cant actually concentrate on any work (I have enough problems with this as it is, but now it seems impossible!).
I just want to hide under the bed and chain 'smoke' but will be able to do this quite comfortable at my mothers house. Not sure that I can cope with the motherly lecture that I will get though but once its over, its over.
Don't feel like I'm dealing with all of this very well any more, but do feel like I'm only just hanging on a thread to my sanity/logic....
Fuck it! I'm just going to hide in a cave!! Don't tell anyone, I really don't want to be found.....
I love you Katey and I'm so sorry for being such a let down.... I don't know how I could possibly make it up to you... I wish there was a way of shutting everything out so that I could concentrate on you....
xxxxx
I really wish there wasn't so much going on at the moment.
I want to be there for my Katey to support her through this difficult time... I completely understand that this is difficult for her right now and things in work are only making things harder. I wish that there was some way I could make the entire world vanish so that I can float through space with my Katey, no one could bother us and we would make sense of everything.
There is absolutely no excuse for my neglect, I need to be stronger and a bit less selfish.... Easy to say but maybe a little more difficult to action.
I really wish the last 2 years had never happened... I wonder if I could google 'how to build a time machine' and if it would actually work..... that would make things 1,000,000 times easier...
I'm trying not to avoid the situation at home, its difficult though because its so horrible. Sometimes I can just see Lees heart breaking and I hate that I have done all of that.
Its supposed to be our anniversary weekend, we were going to do lots of lovely stuff but now I just cant face it. Pretty much everything has been cancelled. He still sent flowers to work for me though. They made me cry and now am complete wreck and cant actually concentrate on any work (I have enough problems with this as it is, but now it seems impossible!).
I just want to hide under the bed and chain 'smoke' but will be able to do this quite comfortable at my mothers house. Not sure that I can cope with the motherly lecture that I will get though but once its over, its over.
Don't feel like I'm dealing with all of this very well any more, but do feel like I'm only just hanging on a thread to my sanity/logic....
Fuck it! I'm just going to hide in a cave!! Don't tell anyone, I really don't want to be found.....
I love you Katey and I'm so sorry for being such a let down.... I don't know how I could possibly make it up to you... I wish there was a way of shutting everything out so that I could concentrate on you....
xxxxx
Eek, Nicola can't come to smokefest/hippie funtimes anymore. I totally understand why though but I'm having such a big freakout.
After a few weeks ago I don't function particularly well with crowds of people I don't know so tonight was going to be a bit of a big step for me, I guess that was part of the reason why I was so excited. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there, find (I can't remember his nickname so will make one up) The Boobinator and meet up with everyone, but now I feel all scared and upset about it.
I know, when I'm on my deathbed, I'll remember the happy funtimes in my life and not the crappy bits inbetween but the crappy bits really are so crappy aren't they.
Cunty McCuntface's manager as moved him so that he is basically next to me, with an aisle in between us, in full view of each other. His manager also knows what he did. What the fuck is she thinking. I watched him moving his stuff this morning feeling so sick and sad.
After a few weeks ago I don't function particularly well with crowds of people I don't know so tonight was going to be a bit of a big step for me, I guess that was part of the reason why I was so excited. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get there, find (I can't remember his nickname so will make one up) The Boobinator and meet up with everyone, but now I feel all scared and upset about it.
I know, when I'm on my deathbed, I'll remember the happy funtimes in my life and not the crappy bits inbetween but the crappy bits really are so crappy aren't they.
Cunty McCuntface's manager as moved him so that he is basically next to me, with an aisle in between us, in full view of each other. His manager also knows what he did. What the fuck is she thinking. I watched him moving his stuff this morning feeling so sick and sad.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Ok, inspiration..?
I have been in my new job as HR Administrator for a couple of weeks now and how noticed something quite perculiar... this department is quite competitive, like who can take the shortest lunch (if any at all) or the latest lunch and one of the biggest things is that there is a competition for who can stay the latest. This is all unwritten and there isnt even a prize. I hope, that as the newest recruit, they dont expect me to fall in line with these silly games...! Dont get me wrong, HR are all lovely girlies... but what a culture shock. Not even sure why they are like that though, but it is almost like they have to set examples to the rest of the company as far as job dedication goes.... not that anyone ever really notices!!
I feel quite rubbish right now. Not quite sure why but I think my body is literally falling apart.... I ache all over and have random pain... think i might just start chucking painkillers down my neck but then how will I know if the pain get worse/better, and what if it is something serious....?? Oh bugger... maybe i should see a doctor. Not the most pleasant of ideas...
:(
I have been in my new job as HR Administrator for a couple of weeks now and how noticed something quite perculiar... this department is quite competitive, like who can take the shortest lunch (if any at all) or the latest lunch and one of the biggest things is that there is a competition for who can stay the latest. This is all unwritten and there isnt even a prize. I hope, that as the newest recruit, they dont expect me to fall in line with these silly games...! Dont get me wrong, HR are all lovely girlies... but what a culture shock. Not even sure why they are like that though, but it is almost like they have to set examples to the rest of the company as far as job dedication goes.... not that anyone ever really notices!!
I feel quite rubbish right now. Not quite sure why but I think my body is literally falling apart.... I ache all over and have random pain... think i might just start chucking painkillers down my neck but then how will I know if the pain get worse/better, and what if it is something serious....?? Oh bugger... maybe i should see a doctor. Not the most pleasant of ideas...
:(
Sunday, 15 June 2008
It is Sunday night and rather predictably I am sleepless. Vista SP1 has completely raped my computer of all use except blogger and porn, and porn is boring once you've actually had sex and know what it's like, something which happened for me on December 27th 2001 at about 9.10pm (I looked at the clock, alright?)
This evening has been consumed by plots and plans for a Friday night acting like a hippie celebrating something that happens every single day. My tone may be mocking, but part of my general philosophy on life is that we should do that anyway. Life may just be something that happens while you're making plans, and in 10 years today will be pretty insignificant, but I'd like to think that I enjoyed it.
I do hope Nic can come and join the festivities, as she is pretty great and I have had a nice stoner weekend with her. I have discovered that my fond memories of being stoned weren't rose tinted because I actually quite enjoy it, and that I act like a bit of a penis when stoned. Also when not stoned. But I tend to say the things I usually just think, and it reveals the fact that I am absolutely, pants-wettingly neurotic.
I am so desperately skint I can't even tell you, this week is going to be amusingly hard up! Skipping lunch might actually do some good for the weight I had lost recently (not much, I grant you, but enough to rediscover hipbones I thought I had lost) - however, this whole losing weight thing is a wagon I have fallen off spectacularly thanks to aforementioned stonerism and the munchies that followed. I woke up, cold, with a corner of duvet hanging out of my mouth. My bed only served to keep me lifted above the crisp packets and takeaway boxes. I don't think I so much fell off the diet wagon as the boards beneath me buckled and I crashed weightily onto the tracks.
I'm hungry.
This evening has been consumed by plots and plans for a Friday night acting like a hippie celebrating something that happens every single day. My tone may be mocking, but part of my general philosophy on life is that we should do that anyway. Life may just be something that happens while you're making plans, and in 10 years today will be pretty insignificant, but I'd like to think that I enjoyed it.
I do hope Nic can come and join the festivities, as she is pretty great and I have had a nice stoner weekend with her. I have discovered that my fond memories of being stoned weren't rose tinted because I actually quite enjoy it, and that I act like a bit of a penis when stoned. Also when not stoned. But I tend to say the things I usually just think, and it reveals the fact that I am absolutely, pants-wettingly neurotic.
I am so desperately skint I can't even tell you, this week is going to be amusingly hard up! Skipping lunch might actually do some good for the weight I had lost recently (not much, I grant you, but enough to rediscover hipbones I thought I had lost) - however, this whole losing weight thing is a wagon I have fallen off spectacularly thanks to aforementioned stonerism and the munchies that followed. I woke up, cold, with a corner of duvet hanging out of my mouth. My bed only served to keep me lifted above the crisp packets and takeaway boxes. I don't think I so much fell off the diet wagon as the boards beneath me buckled and I crashed weightily onto the tracks.
I'm hungry.
Friday, 13 June 2008
14 ways you know you've been single too long
- The idea of someone else sharing your bed actually freaks you out slightly, and you know you would hold things like them moving in their sleep or breathing loudly against them and be angry with them for it the morning after.
- You stop missing sex. It'd be nice, you suppose, but there's really good TV on and the prospect of the bikini trim you'd have to approach now really doesn't fill you with joy - in fact, at this point it would involve hiring a hedge trimmer and protective goggles.
- You're not even looking for a new partner. You meet people and think "oh what a nice person" and not "phwoooaaaargh" and, if you discover they do like you, you remember point 1 and politely decline, while inside screaming "OH DEAR GOD NO" and wanting desperately to return home to your big, empty bed.
- Your friend meets someone new and is in the happy, romantic, fuckbunny stage and, although happy for them, you are secretly smug at getting to return home to your big, empty bed.
- Your friendships are suddenly so much stronger and the people in your world receive a decidedly larger amount of attention - they are aware of why and do not hold this against you.
- You get a completely massive crush on someone utterly unattainable as a safety net to securing your singledom for a while longer. This is, after all, an excuse not to date Mr Nice Person You Just Met - they are just not Mr Amazing But Never Going To Happen.
- From time to time you become acutely aware of exactly what would make your life better - a fuck buddy. But you refrain, just in case they want a relationship. Ew.
- If anyone had x-ray vision, they'd see you are wearing the most mismatched underwear invented. It's like you've almost done it on purpose as a rebellion against all those people who are not going to see it. "Yeah!" you inwardly cry, "I'm wearing a leopard print bra and Little Miss Sunshine pants and you can't tell!" In fact...
- Two words. Comfy. Pants.
- You stop buying girly magazines like Cosmo because you don't care what 1000 men think makes you "dynamite" in bed and quite frankly, 10 reasons why he will never love you more than his mother is just another bloody good reason to not be with anyone. In fact, even seeing drivvel like this on the front cover is enough to make you not buy it.
- Your eyerolling at romantic comedies is enough to cause blindness.
- Love songs, while mildly sickening, are relegated to the "fairly pleasant" playlist on your iPod - which was renamed from I Love My Snookums after the messy breakup when you couldn't quite bear to lose what you had finetuned so perfectly. The playlist, I mean.
- Suddenly, you're allowed male friends again!
- You write lists. Like this.
Replace "you" with "I" on all of those, please!
I'm accepting fuckbuddy applications but only from Fittie or something on a shelf in Ann Summers.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
I'm trying out wearing heels again today, as I have been a bit too comfortable in my nice shiny flats lately. So far I have only been sitting at my desk and my feet hurt already. I am determined to wear heels more, damnit! I used to be such a.. a.. a Carrie!
I have just about got over the pants party that was Fittie showing me moderate flirtatious attention for five seconds. OK I'm lying I will never get over it.
This Friday I am going to try getting drunk again and see how it goes. Bit scary really.
Oh and at work, my business manager is chasing me for the business case to get my contract... that is very good news and terribly exciting! It's a bit shocking that it has taken this long but whatevs. I quite like getting paid weekly and going back to the monthly dross without the regular few hundred quid cash injection will be a bit annoying. Still, I do get my spanking lovely bonus at the end of this month so that'll help me through.
Today is a mediocre hair day. We have "networking" drinks tonight with one of our "business partners" (jesus, all this corporate bumfuckery is hideous) which our team are going to turn into a bar-propping shotathon. In our meeting this morning, someone did say they were going to see "how much Kate could drink in an hour" - methinks I shall surprise them by managing to put away a whopping two halves of coke.
I have just about got over the pants party that was Fittie showing me moderate flirtatious attention for five seconds. OK I'm lying I will never get over it.
This Friday I am going to try getting drunk again and see how it goes. Bit scary really.
Oh and at work, my business manager is chasing me for the business case to get my contract... that is very good news and terribly exciting! It's a bit shocking that it has taken this long but whatevs. I quite like getting paid weekly and going back to the monthly dross without the regular few hundred quid cash injection will be a bit annoying. Still, I do get my spanking lovely bonus at the end of this month so that'll help me through.
Today is a mediocre hair day. We have "networking" drinks tonight with one of our "business partners" (jesus, all this corporate bumfuckery is hideous) which our team are going to turn into a bar-propping shotathon. In our meeting this morning, someone did say they were going to see "how much Kate could drink in an hour" - methinks I shall surprise them by managing to put away a whopping two halves of coke.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
Sunday, 8 June 2008
Dear Nicola,
I don't know what I'd do without you right now. In all the fucked up chaos that surrounds us both, at least we have each other. Please get me stoned and talk about retard fetishes more often, it helped. It didn't help as much as having a you in the world, though.
No matter what happens to you, no matter how little you understand of other people or yourself, no matter what decisions you make or roads you take, I'll be right behind you when you need support, right next to you when you feel lonely and right in front of you when you need protecting.
You're pretty great and I love you.
Dear Fittie,
If you only knew how much your existence makes my world better. You'd probably get a restraining order. I'm not a psycho. I don't think so, anyway.
Dear Nicola's Husband,
I'm not a bad person. I'm just trying to hold my best friend's hand. But I understand that you need someone to blame and I'd rather it be me than her. She's not a bad person either.
Dear Katey,
You will be ok.
I don't know what I'd do without you right now. In all the fucked up chaos that surrounds us both, at least we have each other. Please get me stoned and talk about retard fetishes more often, it helped. It didn't help as much as having a you in the world, though.
No matter what happens to you, no matter how little you understand of other people or yourself, no matter what decisions you make or roads you take, I'll be right behind you when you need support, right next to you when you feel lonely and right in front of you when you need protecting.
You're pretty great and I love you.
Dear Fittie,
If you only knew how much your existence makes my world better. You'd probably get a restraining order. I'm not a psycho. I don't think so, anyway.
Dear Nicola's Husband,
I'm not a bad person. I'm just trying to hold my best friend's hand. But I understand that you need someone to blame and I'd rather it be me than her. She's not a bad person either.
Dear Katey,
You will be ok.
The lives and trials of Princess Katey and Nicla...
Well, its not exactly working out to plan, is it?? Thats ok though, I truely believe in a bigger picture. Not sure what that picture is but I can feel it. Things will be bad and times will be super hard but it will pass... Sounds like a complete cop-out.
I dont know what it is but I know that we are both stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we will make it through all the shit... together...
I will always be there for you beautiful Princess Katey.... my feelings for you can not be articulated very well, but you are super amazing and I could not dream up a friend a fraction of the brilliance that you are....
Anyway, my complete fuck-headed-ness!! Im hoping that writing it all down will some how help... please dont judge...
Where to start.... Im not very happy right now. Everything seems to have taken a dive for the shitter! Except, of course, my relationship with Princess Katey which thankfully has flurished amungst the crap (this has been my saving grace, without this im sure I would have just gone completely mental!).
I am married to a man who im not sure I want to be. Im in a job that im not sure if I even want. I dont really feel like I know who I am right now, or what I want. Whos life am I leading??
Naturally, these are only questions that I can answer... which sucks because I dont know how to do that....
I feel so out of control. And I feel that because I dont know any of the answers im messing everyone around, especially my husband.
We will be having a week apart and will then decide how much longer that is going to be for....
I feel like I am constantly moaning about him. He works too hard, he puts me down in publicor he will not show any public displays of affection in public, he doesnt like me spending too much time out with friends, he doesnt seem to care about his health or future so why should I invest in ours? He isnt very suportive, He can be emotionally ignorant, He can be the most selfish person on the planet (but I can be too, so we will strike that from the record...). I feel like im changing and I dont know how or why. Everything in my life feels completely different (maybe he is right when he says it is all me!!!), I just dont know how to react to any of it anymore, even if I like it... I know that my husband doesnt. How could he, its potentially threatening his marriage.
This is where my indecision comes in. If its all about how I have changed, then whats to say that I might not change back? Its a huge decision to make, now im 85% certain that things are going to have to change permanently but its the other 15%... I think I owe this 15% to my husbands sadness/anger/frustration/heartbreak/all the above.... even though I know that my feeling for him are changing (althogh im not sure how they are changing) I still care. I dont want him to hurt. And I really dont want to be the person to create such hurt. But it seems unavoidable.
I used to have a picture of our future in my head. It was lovely, had all the usual family, lovely home, loving husband, wonderful career, etc etc. I dont know when this happened but it all started to fade piece by piece. First it was the children, then the career and the home. Im not sure when the Loving bit faded, I didnt feel it leave.
All I feel now is empty and selfish.
I dont know if any of that makes any sense....
I dont really know if I should publish this post but hey...
Im sure I will edit it at a later date.......
I dont know what it is but I know that we are both stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we will make it through all the shit... together...
I will always be there for you beautiful Princess Katey.... my feelings for you can not be articulated very well, but you are super amazing and I could not dream up a friend a fraction of the brilliance that you are....
Anyway, my complete fuck-headed-ness!! Im hoping that writing it all down will some how help... please dont judge...
Where to start.... Im not very happy right now. Everything seems to have taken a dive for the shitter! Except, of course, my relationship with Princess Katey which thankfully has flurished amungst the crap (this has been my saving grace, without this im sure I would have just gone completely mental!).
I am married to a man who im not sure I want to be. Im in a job that im not sure if I even want. I dont really feel like I know who I am right now, or what I want. Whos life am I leading??
Naturally, these are only questions that I can answer... which sucks because I dont know how to do that....
I feel so out of control. And I feel that because I dont know any of the answers im messing everyone around, especially my husband.
We will be having a week apart and will then decide how much longer that is going to be for....
I feel like I am constantly moaning about him. He works too hard, he puts me down in publicor he will not show any public displays of affection in public, he doesnt like me spending too much time out with friends, he doesnt seem to care about his health or future so why should I invest in ours? He isnt very suportive, He can be emotionally ignorant, He can be the most selfish person on the planet (but I can be too, so we will strike that from the record...). I feel like im changing and I dont know how or why. Everything in my life feels completely different (maybe he is right when he says it is all me!!!), I just dont know how to react to any of it anymore, even if I like it... I know that my husband doesnt. How could he, its potentially threatening his marriage.
This is where my indecision comes in. If its all about how I have changed, then whats to say that I might not change back? Its a huge decision to make, now im 85% certain that things are going to have to change permanently but its the other 15%... I think I owe this 15% to my husbands sadness/anger/frustration/heartbreak/all the above.... even though I know that my feeling for him are changing (althogh im not sure how they are changing) I still care. I dont want him to hurt. And I really dont want to be the person to create such hurt. But it seems unavoidable.
I used to have a picture of our future in my head. It was lovely, had all the usual family, lovely home, loving husband, wonderful career, etc etc. I dont know when this happened but it all started to fade piece by piece. First it was the children, then the career and the home. Im not sure when the Loving bit faded, I didnt feel it leave.
All I feel now is empty and selfish.
I dont know if any of that makes any sense....
I dont really know if I should publish this post but hey...
Im sure I will edit it at a later date.......
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Oh god this sucks so much.
I can't even talk to people about this. This is such bullshit. What is wrong with me? What the fuck is actually fucking wrong with me? Why do I whinge about the most ridiculous stuff all the time - ooh my feet hurt, ooh my job sucks, 00h I'm too hot, ooh I'm too cold - and when something is actually wrong - when it is really truly totally wrong, so wrong I cannot get my head around it... then nothing.
Nicola, thank you so much for being there for me, for listening to me. You worry that I don't talk about my problems when they're real problems, and you're quite right I don't. But I open up when I have the words, I promise.
I don't want to tell people because I don't understand. I don't know why I reacted how I did, I don't know why there was some weird delayed reaction.
I think I'm going to phone the doctor and see if she can recommend a therapist. I've always been keen to avoid them but I've always been quite good at figuring out my own head. I fail this time. I really fail.
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
I can't even talk to people about this. This is such bullshit. What is wrong with me? What the fuck is actually fucking wrong with me? Why do I whinge about the most ridiculous stuff all the time - ooh my feet hurt, ooh my job sucks, 00h I'm too hot, ooh I'm too cold - and when something is actually wrong - when it is really truly totally wrong, so wrong I cannot get my head around it... then nothing.
Nicola, thank you so much for being there for me, for listening to me. You worry that I don't talk about my problems when they're real problems, and you're quite right I don't. But I open up when I have the words, I promise.
I don't want to tell people because I don't understand. I don't know why I reacted how I did, I don't know why there was some weird delayed reaction.
I think I'm going to phone the doctor and see if she can recommend a therapist. I've always been keen to avoid them but I've always been quite good at figuring out my own head. I fail this time. I really fail.
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
Sunday, 1 June 2008
I love drunk people!
To: Kate
From: ExC
Subject: ahsf;d
kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how r u? iv been out drinkin and havon fun 4 the 1st time in ages yayayaya and i think its about high time i said your great ur like the only person i got on with at bt ur funny an awsome and y didnt u work in birmingham cuz then i wouldnt have left the bloody place cuz id have had amazing kate to cheere me up lol ur ace maybe i shpuld cum to bristol an c u even tho i hate bristol but 4 u il cum up and we can meet girls and laff at them lol
Aww I wish people were that adorable when they were sober!
Anyway, on Friday night Nicola went out and we both did bad things (like Sambuca, by the gallon) and hung out with randoms (yay!) and oh my.
To: Kate
From: ExC
Subject: ahsf;d
kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee how r u? iv been out drinkin and havon fun 4 the 1st time in ages yayayaya and i think its about high time i said your great ur like the only person i got on with at bt ur funny an awsome and y didnt u work in birmingham cuz then i wouldnt have left the bloody place cuz id have had amazing kate to cheere me up lol ur ace maybe i shpuld cum to bristol an c u even tho i hate bristol but 4 u il cum up and we can meet girls and laff at them lol
Aww I wish people were that adorable when they were sober!
Anyway, on Friday night Nicola went out and we both did bad things (like Sambuca, by the gallon) and hung out with randoms (yay!) and oh my.
Saturday, 24 May 2008
I am so weirded out by the text messages I got last night from YB. As much as I know that he was just shitfaced, desperate for a shag and looking for "any port in a storm", the fact I have to see him daily after being asked things like "what do I have to say to get you into bed?" and receiving offers such as "drink more with me, we'll fool around, I'm up for it, what do you think?" makes me want to hide under my bed.
I was asked yesterday by someone who'd been on YB and I's training course whether or not there was any truth to the rumours (!! what fucking rumours!) surrounding the nature of our friendship. I laughed, then when I realised he was serious I recoiled in abstract horror.
Sometimes you meet people you would absolutely never want to sleep with in a bajillion years. It's not because he's unattractive, or a shitty person, and I don't know WHY I just would never want to go there. YB is a hot guy, who is hilarious, and truly one of the nicest men around. But... it's HIM. Dear christ.
I kept telling him to delete his sent items, and then pleading with him to delete them, because this is not a conversation I ever want to have with someone who was becoming a really good friend. "I'm sorry for offering to nail you last night" "That's ok, I'm sorry for telling you to go home and jerk off".
Anyway, on a random note, the veins in my foot are super super blue and super super prominent and it's really freaking me out. I hate feet, the other day I was sitting perfectly still and something in my foot was twitching under the skin and I nearly threw up. Why am I such a weirdo?! I don't even hate other people's feet, I just wish mine would fall off. Yeah I'd be a cripple but I wouldn't vomit every time time they moved.
I was asked yesterday by someone who'd been on YB and I's training course whether or not there was any truth to the rumours (!! what fucking rumours!) surrounding the nature of our friendship. I laughed, then when I realised he was serious I recoiled in abstract horror.
Sometimes you meet people you would absolutely never want to sleep with in a bajillion years. It's not because he's unattractive, or a shitty person, and I don't know WHY I just would never want to go there. YB is a hot guy, who is hilarious, and truly one of the nicest men around. But... it's HIM. Dear christ.
I kept telling him to delete his sent items, and then pleading with him to delete them, because this is not a conversation I ever want to have with someone who was becoming a really good friend. "I'm sorry for offering to nail you last night" "That's ok, I'm sorry for telling you to go home and jerk off".
Anyway, on a random note, the veins in my foot are super super blue and super super prominent and it's really freaking me out. I hate feet, the other day I was sitting perfectly still and something in my foot was twitching under the skin and I nearly threw up. Why am I such a weirdo?! I don't even hate other people's feet, I just wish mine would fall off. Yeah I'd be a cripple but I wouldn't vomit every time time they moved.
Friday, 23 May 2008
I've always been a big believer in the power and beauty of the right tune at the right time. I'm a sucker for movie soundtracks for that reason, not that I buy them, but I pay attention during the film because sometimes it all comes together so perfectly and that's worth the rest of the time, when it doesn't. One of the main reasons why Vanilla Sky is my absolute favourite film is because of the totally, utterly perfect soundtrack - which seems to be Cameron Crowe's schtick, now that I think about it.
Anyway, tangent. I was walking around at lunchtime and this song appeared on my ipod. Suddenly everything was crisper, it made sense, or it didn't matter. Things were significant but all of the crappy stuff was ok for a while. I wandered around in the sunshine and the air crackled with the beginnings of a storm, I so nearly went and sat by the river and listened to it on repeat as I enjoyed this feeling of calm, the temporary release of this wave of apathy. I did not care about all of the bollocks. I checked my bank balance when I got to the shop and my agency had underpaid me by a day, which put the kibosh on the plans I'd had for the evenings in the weekend, but you know what? Who cares. My ears were full of M83.
Then I walked back to work (the long way) and talked for five seconds to the fittie (winner) and as soon as I got back to my desk, saw a mountain of emails, the post-it messages I want to give myself papercuts with and remembered that I have a massive overdue project that I am going to get jobraped about because I can't escalate it any higher and no one is doing ANYTHING to help... I paused the song and settled back into the world.
It would be nice if that warm, hazy feeling could last longer. But it can't, and it shouldn't, because we all need the stress of day to day to appreciate the wonder in moments like that where all the pieces fit and you realise the picture they make is beautiful.
PS Every time the fittie walks past I can't stop thinking about giving him a blow job. Sorry. I had to say it.
Anyway, tangent. I was walking around at lunchtime and this song appeared on my ipod. Suddenly everything was crisper, it made sense, or it didn't matter. Things were significant but all of the crappy stuff was ok for a while. I wandered around in the sunshine and the air crackled with the beginnings of a storm, I so nearly went and sat by the river and listened to it on repeat as I enjoyed this feeling of calm, the temporary release of this wave of apathy. I did not care about all of the bollocks. I checked my bank balance when I got to the shop and my agency had underpaid me by a day, which put the kibosh on the plans I'd had for the evenings in the weekend, but you know what? Who cares. My ears were full of M83.
Then I walked back to work (the long way) and talked for five seconds to the fittie (winner) and as soon as I got back to my desk, saw a mountain of emails, the post-it messages I want to give myself papercuts with and remembered that I have a massive overdue project that I am going to get jobraped about because I can't escalate it any higher and no one is doing ANYTHING to help... I paused the song and settled back into the world.
It would be nice if that warm, hazy feeling could last longer. But it can't, and it shouldn't, because we all need the stress of day to day to appreciate the wonder in moments like that where all the pieces fit and you realise the picture they make is beautiful.
PS Every time the fittie walks past I can't stop thinking about giving him a blow job. Sorry. I had to say it.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
My near death experience......
I thought I was going to die last night! I even worried that if I did die, then i didn't have a will, so where would all my stuff go, who would get/want it...?? These are obviously very important issues.
Anyway, Mr Taxi driver was quite clearly not concentrating on the road and nearly careered off the road into a bollard! I was reasonably intoxicated but the fear of my head being embedded in a luminous yellow bollard was scarily sobering.... as I'm sure you can imagine. I held my husbands hand and prayed that we would make it home in one piece... And to my great surprise, we were delivered to our front door, limbs attached and bones intact, although slightly roughed up...
Serious consideration about the sanity/capabilities of taxi drivers... is this what the world of private hire cars has come to...?? Is an impending feeling of doom supposed to be the norm...?
There is one thing that makes me chuckle right now and i should use the blogging opportunity to tell you all about it (although i am convinced that no one wants to or does read this, except my beautiful Katey), my new word.... BADOOGLED!! its great! i love it!! The official meaning of this word escapes me but i am reasonably sure that it can mean anything that you want it too.... i feel that its best used in an inebriated context... its now my word of the week and must be used at every available opportunity. If anyone is/has reading/read this, you too must adopt this word... i will know, and you must use it as enthusiastically as i do.... Again, i will know if you don't....
Right-o, that's really it. I am hunting for a little inspiration right now so i anyone knows where they sell that on the cheap, please let me know or forward me the website address.... its a problem.
N
:)
Anyway, Mr Taxi driver was quite clearly not concentrating on the road and nearly careered off the road into a bollard! I was reasonably intoxicated but the fear of my head being embedded in a luminous yellow bollard was scarily sobering.... as I'm sure you can imagine. I held my husbands hand and prayed that we would make it home in one piece... And to my great surprise, we were delivered to our front door, limbs attached and bones intact, although slightly roughed up...
Serious consideration about the sanity/capabilities of taxi drivers... is this what the world of private hire cars has come to...?? Is an impending feeling of doom supposed to be the norm...?
There is one thing that makes me chuckle right now and i should use the blogging opportunity to tell you all about it (although i am convinced that no one wants to or does read this, except my beautiful Katey), my new word.... BADOOGLED!! its great! i love it!! The official meaning of this word escapes me but i am reasonably sure that it can mean anything that you want it too.... i feel that its best used in an inebriated context... its now my word of the week and must be used at every available opportunity. If anyone is/has reading/read this, you too must adopt this word... i will know, and you must use it as enthusiastically as i do.... Again, i will know if you don't....
Right-o, that's really it. I am hunting for a little inspiration right now so i anyone knows where they sell that on the cheap, please let me know or forward me the website address.... its a problem.
N
:)
Monday, 19 May 2008
Nic and I are homely souls. We like sitting on sofas and lazing in beds, not propping up bars. But we have been this way for many years now and the time has perhaps come to consider having a social life even though there is good TV on. It is a painful prospect.
So last Friday night we ventured, shivering, into the night time air. There were flashing lights, our eyes were not accustomed to the "music" and the "fun" around us was strange and alien. Our fun usually involves Skittles milkshake and laughing at people who are wearing rubbish outfits.
But it was actually a really fun night - Nic admired the bum of one of my colleagues, to his delight as he found her quite awesome also. Oh wait, Nic is sensible and married... I did have to convince her not to cheat on her husband though, which is a) the sign of a good night and b) a reason for Nic to be proud as she did not do anything bad at all. Go Nic!
There was a mild debacle with Fittie, in that he DID NOT PHONE (what a boy thing to do) however he did flirt mildly which is enough to make me panic and hyperventilate for two hours. Yes I am a bit pathetic. I don't mind though. He also somehow said he had my number... concerning as I have never given it to him. Well, not concerning, actually it's kind of great, but how did he get it!? Why won't he use it!? I hate these questions.
We were joined by a man we shall call GCPB. He has a weird beard. Honestly, some things should be illegal. His chin is definitely one of them. Maybe illegal is a bit harsh... it should just not be allowed within my line of vision. Which is hard as I see him daily. They should give us compensation for mental damage caused by the bizarre stuff sprouting out of his chin.
I love my Nicola and, in some strange platonic marriage kinda way, for the rest of my days I promise to look after her in any way she needs and be the best Katey I can be to make her smile. Everyone needs a friend like my Nic but you can't have this one, she's mine.
So last Friday night we ventured, shivering, into the night time air. There were flashing lights, our eyes were not accustomed to the "music" and the "fun" around us was strange and alien. Our fun usually involves Skittles milkshake and laughing at people who are wearing rubbish outfits.
But it was actually a really fun night - Nic admired the bum of one of my colleagues, to his delight as he found her quite awesome also. Oh wait, Nic is sensible and married... I did have to convince her not to cheat on her husband though, which is a) the sign of a good night and b) a reason for Nic to be proud as she did not do anything bad at all. Go Nic!
There was a mild debacle with Fittie, in that he DID NOT PHONE (what a boy thing to do) however he did flirt mildly which is enough to make me panic and hyperventilate for two hours. Yes I am a bit pathetic. I don't mind though. He also somehow said he had my number... concerning as I have never given it to him. Well, not concerning, actually it's kind of great, but how did he get it!? Why won't he use it!? I hate these questions.
We were joined by a man we shall call GCPB. He has a weird beard. Honestly, some things should be illegal. His chin is definitely one of them. Maybe illegal is a bit harsh... it should just not be allowed within my line of vision. Which is hard as I see him daily. They should give us compensation for mental damage caused by the bizarre stuff sprouting out of his chin.
I love my Nicola and, in some strange platonic marriage kinda way, for the rest of my days I promise to look after her in any way she needs and be the best Katey I can be to make her smile. Everyone needs a friend like my Nic but you can't have this one, she's mine.
Me, Katey and our magic adventure.....
There are few things that i know or feel with absolute certainty, one of which is that i love Katey, in so many ways that it would be difficult to list.... I worry about her a lot. I quite often feel that i let her down, only because i know she wont talk to me about the things that are really bothering her. I know that she feels that some of the stuff is too much to put onto other people and that she can cope with it all alone, but i just cant help be think that one day my Katey is not going to be able to hold it all in anymore.... and there will be Katey shaped brain pieces all over the place!!!! And of course, that is the last thing that i would ever like to happen. So, i guess what i am saying is, Katey, you can talk to me about anything, nothing will ever be too much - you mean the world to me, my beautiful, and i would do anything to make the world a more just a fair place for you (my talents are slightly limited though, but if i could do it, i will.). I just want my Katey to be happy......
My beautiful, wonderful, amazing Katey and I went on our First Time, In a Long Time piss up. Entertaining on so many levels!
Before we went out, we discussed the possibility that what we thought we were missing, we wouldn't actually miss and maybe we might not have as good a time as we had hoped we would. Essentially, it was a completely redundant point (at least i think so, i hope Katey does too...) because we had a great time... we drank, we laughed, we just had a wonderful time (even trying to evade the sub-human inexplicable ginger beard! long story but seriously, you wouldn't want to know!), went home and felt like shite for the rest of the weekend. It was, however, totally worth the unrelenting torture (i really dont think that my body was convinced about the wonderful time that i had, even over 48hrs later, my muscles feel like they are going to explode! nice!).
During our adventure of the Alcoholic variety, and i hope that a)no one reads this, and b) Katey will not kill me for the following..... anyway, i met a 'bloke' that Katey works with but OMG!!!!! I swear, if i was single, that man would have a lot to worry about..... he may as well just book the hospital stay in advance, it would only be fair to warn him that his state of physical health would suffer..... in a good way (maybe that's just for me....). And he peachy little bum!!!! But the dancing, oh god, not the dancing!!!! Lets just say, his style was unique!
So, anyway, really looking forward to the next round..... But wont be for about 2 weeks....
XX
My beautiful, wonderful, amazing Katey and I went on our First Time, In a Long Time piss up. Entertaining on so many levels!
Before we went out, we discussed the possibility that what we thought we were missing, we wouldn't actually miss and maybe we might not have as good a time as we had hoped we would. Essentially, it was a completely redundant point (at least i think so, i hope Katey does too...) because we had a great time... we drank, we laughed, we just had a wonderful time (even trying to evade the sub-human inexplicable ginger beard! long story but seriously, you wouldn't want to know!), went home and felt like shite for the rest of the weekend. It was, however, totally worth the unrelenting torture (i really dont think that my body was convinced about the wonderful time that i had, even over 48hrs later, my muscles feel like they are going to explode! nice!).
During our adventure of the Alcoholic variety, and i hope that a)no one reads this, and b) Katey will not kill me for the following..... anyway, i met a 'bloke' that Katey works with but OMG!!!!! I swear, if i was single, that man would have a lot to worry about..... he may as well just book the hospital stay in advance, it would only be fair to warn him that his state of physical health would suffer..... in a good way (maybe that's just for me....). And he peachy little bum!!!! But the dancing, oh god, not the dancing!!!! Lets just say, his style was unique!
So, anyway, really looking forward to the next round..... But wont be for about 2 weeks....
XX
Friday, 16 May 2008
Nic has a second life and that is too awesome for words!
OK I am sitting on my bed about to nearly be late for work just because I absolutely had to download a song to listen to because it's stuck in loop in my head. And that took a few minutes more than I wanted it to and now I'm like, buh, I have to get the later bus which is uber later and I have some time to kill.
This week has been quite difficult. Last Sunday my mum went missing. It was seriously one of the scariest things I've ever been through, which sounds awfully dramatic and all. Eventually at 1am I called the police, a shaking hysterical mess, only to get freaked out when I told them what kind of car my mum has and the police woman thingy put me on hold and then came back what seemed like three hours later to ask me if I had the means of getting to a hospital if necessary. (No!)
Panic attacks have never been so snotty, let me tell you.
Eventually she did come home, and she had been with her ex boyfriend who I hate because a) he is an alcoholic knob who does not make mum happy, and b) he used to smack me around until one day I smacked him back. Imagine a little 18 year old Katey (OK, not that little) squaring up to some big old drunk guy and socking him on the chin. Luckily we were outside when that happened, and I ran inside to phone mum while he tried to break the door down, and mum said "what did you do to provoke him?" I remember hiding in my room talking online to my friend, who in this blog shall be called Hugh, shaking with the exhileration of smacking him and the anger at mum's reaction.
Ahhh love makes people blind and stupid and tasteless.
Work has also been awful this week. I enjoy my job, I look after the accounts of huge companies you know the names of for an even huger company you definitely know the name of, and I sell them the bits and bobs that makes their business actually function. But oh dear christ, the volume of work is just silly. I get so stressed I feel sick, like there's a vat of gloopy awfulness in my stomach, sloshing around and threatening to spill over and make me projectile vomit all over the phone the next time it rings.
My crush on Fittie is not subsiding. It would be a whole lot easier if he wasn't so utterly and completely attractive in every single way, and easier still if he were not the nicest, funniest man I have known in a long time and quite possibly ever. He needs to get with his hot blonde housemate, stat, because he is too gorgeous for the likes of me. I will end up with a nice nerd who shares my alliance with Nintendo and penchant for Asian cinema, and Fittie will go be a vagrant in some far flung country with a gorgeous model. That is the way of the world.
OK I am sitting on my bed about to nearly be late for work just because I absolutely had to download a song to listen to because it's stuck in loop in my head. And that took a few minutes more than I wanted it to and now I'm like, buh, I have to get the later bus which is uber later and I have some time to kill.
This week has been quite difficult. Last Sunday my mum went missing. It was seriously one of the scariest things I've ever been through, which sounds awfully dramatic and all. Eventually at 1am I called the police, a shaking hysterical mess, only to get freaked out when I told them what kind of car my mum has and the police woman thingy put me on hold and then came back what seemed like three hours later to ask me if I had the means of getting to a hospital if necessary. (No!)
Panic attacks have never been so snotty, let me tell you.
Eventually she did come home, and she had been with her ex boyfriend who I hate because a) he is an alcoholic knob who does not make mum happy, and b) he used to smack me around until one day I smacked him back. Imagine a little 18 year old Katey (OK, not that little) squaring up to some big old drunk guy and socking him on the chin. Luckily we were outside when that happened, and I ran inside to phone mum while he tried to break the door down, and mum said "what did you do to provoke him?" I remember hiding in my room talking online to my friend, who in this blog shall be called Hugh, shaking with the exhileration of smacking him and the anger at mum's reaction.
Ahhh love makes people blind and stupid and tasteless.
Work has also been awful this week. I enjoy my job, I look after the accounts of huge companies you know the names of for an even huger company you definitely know the name of, and I sell them the bits and bobs that makes their business actually function. But oh dear christ, the volume of work is just silly. I get so stressed I feel sick, like there's a vat of gloopy awfulness in my stomach, sloshing around and threatening to spill over and make me projectile vomit all over the phone the next time it rings.
My crush on Fittie is not subsiding. It would be a whole lot easier if he wasn't so utterly and completely attractive in every single way, and easier still if he were not the nicest, funniest man I have known in a long time and quite possibly ever. He needs to get with his hot blonde housemate, stat, because he is too gorgeous for the likes of me. I will end up with a nice nerd who shares my alliance with Nintendo and penchant for Asian cinema, and Fittie will go be a vagrant in some far flung country with a gorgeous model. That is the way of the world.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
I would just like to thank Katey for her unwaivering support throughout my initial experience with Second Life..... Amazing!!
Despite being slightly retarded, i managed to get there eventually although Katey did have to set me up properly with clothes/hair/randoms etc....
I think this is going to be promising.
To my suprise, my husband was, of course, completely amazed and thought it would be a wonderful way to further expand my horizons, meet some new people and generally have a little giggle!!! I think his exact words were 'so that isnt something that a geek would do, is it??' Like its at all possable to be a geek and stoner at the same time! Genetically impossable!
Never mind though, i am hugely excited about my next visit.... Yay me!!!
(I AM NOT A GEEK AND ANYONE WHO SAYS I AM WILL BE HUNTED DOWN AND BEATEN TO DEATH WITH THEIR OWN LEGS!!!)
Despite being slightly retarded, i managed to get there eventually although Katey did have to set me up properly with clothes/hair/randoms etc....
I think this is going to be promising.
To my suprise, my husband was, of course, completely amazed and thought it would be a wonderful way to further expand my horizons, meet some new people and generally have a little giggle!!! I think his exact words were 'so that isnt something that a geek would do, is it??' Like its at all possable to be a geek and stoner at the same time! Genetically impossable!
Never mind though, i am hugely excited about my next visit.... Yay me!!!
(I AM NOT A GEEK AND ANYONE WHO SAYS I AM WILL BE HUNTED DOWN AND BEATEN TO DEATH WITH THEIR OWN LEGS!!!)
Monday, 12 May 2008
milkshakes in the park....... mmmmm....
As far as weekends go, this one was brilliant. I spent the majority of Saturday sat in the beautiful sun (going very pink) with a cup full of Happiness (skittles milkshake, and before you say anything, it really does taste like happiness!)
Unfortunately i think this week will be taking a downwards spiral (until Friday and my sociable outing with Katey!). I'm not looking forward to this week at all. There are just too many things to think about and too many decisions that need to be made, surely this is a grown ups job. I cant make decisions, under any circumstances (far too much responsibility) I always get it wrong.... and isn't that why i got married in the first place, so that someone else can do all that important stuff for me....
Anyway, truckin' on..... I'm not sure what this is all about, just random garble for today..... until next time... will try to have something a little more interesting and less random next time...
:)
Unfortunately i think this week will be taking a downwards spiral (until Friday and my sociable outing with Katey!). I'm not looking forward to this week at all. There are just too many things to think about and too many decisions that need to be made, surely this is a grown ups job. I cant make decisions, under any circumstances (far too much responsibility) I always get it wrong.... and isn't that why i got married in the first place, so that someone else can do all that important stuff for me....
Anyway, truckin' on..... I'm not sure what this is all about, just random garble for today..... until next time... will try to have something a little more interesting and less random next time...
:)
Sunday, 11 May 2008
I think I try so hard to write stories that inevitably involve a main character based on a flawless version of myself because in books there is always a neat ending and a happily ever after and I look so hard for these answers, these final answers that mean everyone is happy and nothing can be broken anymore.
I've been thinking about this a lot today. My stories that are started and never finished, because I have no answers, because there is no such thing as a totally happy ending and everything is made to be broken.
I know the secret to being happy with your world is trusting the people in it not to break, or break you, or break it. But that's hard and can you ever really trust someone that much? Can you trust them enough?
One of the hardest things you can come to terms with is that the person most responsible for breaking unfixable things is yourself. As people who love, we place so much responsibility on the shoulders of those who are around us. They never asked for it. I think that's why I find it really hard to be angry at someone who does something bad to me without realising it will hurt me. The hurt is almost secondary to the intention and if that's not there, what's wrong is in you.
So to the people I love, thank you for putting up with the responsibility that lays on your shoulders. Making me happy is easy and you all do it magnificently. Know that the responsibility is not great, and that you cannot disappoint.
My name is Katey and I think too much.
I've been thinking about this a lot today. My stories that are started and never finished, because I have no answers, because there is no such thing as a totally happy ending and everything is made to be broken.
I know the secret to being happy with your world is trusting the people in it not to break, or break you, or break it. But that's hard and can you ever really trust someone that much? Can you trust them enough?
One of the hardest things you can come to terms with is that the person most responsible for breaking unfixable things is yourself. As people who love, we place so much responsibility on the shoulders of those who are around us. They never asked for it. I think that's why I find it really hard to be angry at someone who does something bad to me without realising it will hurt me. The hurt is almost secondary to the intention and if that's not there, what's wrong is in you.
So to the people I love, thank you for putting up with the responsibility that lays on your shoulders. Making me happy is easy and you all do it magnificently. Know that the responsibility is not great, and that you cannot disappoint.
My name is Katey and I think too much.
Why Rainbows Are Gay
I had a nice day out today with Nicola that entertained me royally. I'm sure we'll write about the actual contents of it at some point. However, when I got home (after getting weed on by my lovely nephew who is lovely, but full of wee) I fell asleep for six hours. I got home at 6pm so this has made my night difficult.
It's latelatelate right now and I can't sleep because my head keeps singing "Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle looking for lots of fun, Zippy got silly and pulled out his willy and shoved it up Bungle's bum"
It's hardly the most mature ditty but seriously, my head is driving me mad with it.
I have one sunburned arm and amusing strapmarks that come from wearing a racerback tank top with a normal bra. Skittles is still the best milkshake flavour ever.
It's latelatelate right now and I can't sleep because my head keeps singing "Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle looking for lots of fun, Zippy got silly and pulled out his willy and shoved it up Bungle's bum"
It's hardly the most mature ditty but seriously, my head is driving me mad with it.
I have one sunburned arm and amusing strapmarks that come from wearing a racerback tank top with a normal bra. Skittles is still the best milkshake flavour ever.
Friday, 9 May 2008
This is my first too.... Blogger virgin!
I love the way that Katey calls me the sensible one.... I feel that this is slightly misleading and i wouldn't want to set my self up for failure and humiliation (this comes quite naturally so i don't need any help, Thanks).
Right, lets get the mundane crap out of the way..... am 23, live with husband in house i hate, have a job that makes me want to kill myself and a boss that makes me want jump from the roof!! I have been made redundant today.... that sucks quite a lot, as you can probably imagine!
I would tell you (anyone who is out there reading....) all about hobbies and interest and all that shite but i may as well attach a CV! Blah! The only thing that is important enough at this stage is that my main interest is sleeping, I can do it all day, I can do it all night, I can do it if i have already had 8 hours, and I would stay in bed permanently if i could.... I love my bed... (its close between the bed and the husband, but don't tell him that......).
I love the way that Katey calls me the sensible one.... I feel that this is slightly misleading and i wouldn't want to set my self up for failure and humiliation (this comes quite naturally so i don't need any help, Thanks).
Right, lets get the mundane crap out of the way..... am 23, live with husband in house i hate, have a job that makes me want to kill myself and a boss that makes me want jump from the roof!! I have been made redundant today.... that sucks quite a lot, as you can probably imagine!
I would tell you (anyone who is out there reading....) all about hobbies and interest and all that shite but i may as well attach a CV! Blah! The only thing that is important enough at this stage is that my main interest is sleeping, I can do it all day, I can do it all night, I can do it if i have already had 8 hours, and I would stay in bed permanently if i could.... I love my bed... (its close between the bed and the husband, but don't tell him that......).
First post
This is the first post in our new blog. We've been talking about doing this basically forever because we have a lot of interesting things to say. No, it's just because we talk a lot. Mostly to each other though.
I am Katey and I am the retard. Nicola is the sensible married one. I just dribble a bit.
I think we should introduce ourselves in case anyone finds this or in case we get a book deal one day (unlikely, one of us may have to become a hooker or commit some crimes for this to happen)
I live in the countryside on the outskirts of a city and have a job and occasionally some hobbies, one of my favourites of which is spending Saturday afternoons mooching around the city centre with Nicola drinking milkshakes/Starbucks and buying crap I don't need with money I don't have.
Yes that is definitely my favourite hobby.
We have discovered this amazing and new milkshake place that makes the most fantastic milkshakes in the entire universe. It is better than sex, and when people scoff at this suggestion and tell us that we merely need some good sex, we stop drooling over the menu for long enough to ask that they try a milkshake to believe the truth we have discovered.
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